Just don't

As I told my daughter in the middle of a fight, 'feelings lie', I could feel my head spinning a bit out of control knowing that I was fighting feelings of my own at that very same time but I was not willing to let them become a lie.

I'm not sure I am even still.

It all started about a 3 weeks ago, when once again my CA 125 was elevated, but this time above normal- to 47.  The plan was to repeat the blood work in 2 weeks, which I did.  It came back at 49.  Not bad I thought, considering that the last time it was in the 40's, the 2 week recheck brought with it a number above 100.  When I talked with Chris she said she and Dr. Hicks had talked about my number and thought that if I was willing we could try just the Avastin for my treatment.  Avastin is a medicine, not chemo.  So I was thrilled and the weight of the world was no longer on my shoulders.

Then Friday came along.  I spoke with the office again only to find out that they want me to do 2 chemo treatments, just as the others, and were trying to get it set up.  My world crashed, it blew up, it came to a hault and I wanted it to end.  The Avastin made me feel hopeful.  Chemo does not.  And every once of hope that I had before Friday morning disappeared.  It hasn't been seen since.

I had so much hope when my number went down from 34-30 a while ago.  I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe I really was a miracle, that God was choosing to use me as a living miracle.  I don't usually allow myself such hopefulness, but I did that time.  I really thought I was done with cancer.

Then Friday came along.  Every once of hope, belief, faith I had rushed out of my body which quickly filled itself with anger and doubt, helplessness and hopelessness.  That is a really bad way to feel.  I haven't felt that in a very long time.  I didn't even tell anyone until Saturday morning (except Tim) and I made it very clear that where I was dwelling was not good and that I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.  That is not how I usually am....  And today, I skipped church.  I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't even be well enough to come there to be sad and angry.  I just didn't want to have to talk about me.  I'm so sick of me.  I'm so sick of cancer and chemo and pain and fatigue.  I'm more than tired of telling my children I have to have chemo again.  What does this do to them?  I wish I knew.

I actually swore at the poor sweet woman who told me.  She said not to let this get me-because I am always so full of hope.  Another friend said that God must want to do so much more with me; that I inspire her and others.  I simply said 'not right now- not this time'.  As Friday continued so did my tears, anxiety, anger and bitterness.  The tears are gone now, but not the rest.  I am so mad.  I am so scared.  I am so confused.

To make matters worse, I heard a bit of a Joyce Meyer's lesson and she said something to the effect that when you are being tested by God, make sure you get it right so you don't have to be retested.  Well, I've been doing what he told me to.  I've been sharing and persevering.

I think this has been the biggest 'why' moment of my life.  I don't think I've let myself even entertain such a stupid question all thru this journey.  This time seems to be super special.  I've never been this low, this empty of hope before.   I'm not worried about dying right now- that isn't it at all.  I'm hopeless because God had the chance to use me as a living miracle in December when He made the numbers go down.  He had the miracle.  I had the miracle.  Why can't it just be mine?  It's not like I don't tell others about what He has done for me and thru me.  It's not like others haven't told me what God has done for them thru me. It's nonsense.

And there it is.  This world makes no sense.  This disease and so many others make no sense.  Timing makes no sense.  Nothing makes sense right now.

So just a warning to you.  I am not who I was.  I will be again, but I think God's gonna have me on some sort of journey besides cancer this time.  I am cocooning into myself, my home.  I don't want to leave.  I don't think I'll be walking around bald this time.  I am feeling no strength or sass to help me get thru.  I don't want anyone to be with me when I have treatments.  I don't want any help coming in.  I don't want to talk on the phone.  I don't want to talk about this.  I don't want to be noticed.  In fact I am thinking I have to get new hats because I want to hide myself.  I want to hide my story.  I want to hide my weakness.  I want to hide the looks I get from others.  I don't want pity.  I don't want help.  I want the damn miracle.

I don't even want you to comment.  There's nothing to be said.  This time will be a different journey.  You might want to run and hide.

I'm sorry if I made you cry.  I'm sorry for a lot of things to come.....

Vicki

Mosaics of Life

Isaiah 41:10

"So do not fear, for I am with you; 

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  

I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

A reminder for us that this life is going to bring us moments, seasons, perhaps lifetimes of hardships.  But God tells us right here, before they even happen, before we were alive, that he will strengthen us, that He will hold us up with his mighty right hand.

I saw this verse afresh about 4 years ago when my niece Molly posted it on my LHH site.  Having a then 25 year old, who KNEW what this verse meant in real life, 'give' it to me left me breathless and so proud of her for helping me, for getting into the mess with me.

I see these broken pieces of ceramic and I see the love and friendship that went into breaking them.  Yes, love and friendship.  They were broken last April, in the back of the church parking lot by me, and Angel, and Lucy. (Code names being used)  Angel opened the back of her van and it was quite full of plates and bowls.  We hesitated for a bit-kinda laughing because we were actually following thru on doing this, on breaking plates because I was breaking inside.

So, I went first, jumping up to give more power to the actual smashing throw of the plate.  Then they went.  And we took turns until all of our plates and bowls were broken.

One thing didn't change.  I was still broken.  They were still heart broken. So were you.

While I was undergoing treatment again, they were working on placing the pieces of the broken ceramics into frames.  Several mosaics, words of meaning, signs of everlasting hope.

Broken is what our lives are about.  It's just the things that break each one of us that are different.  It's the timing that is different.  It's the way we cope that is different. If we are to believe what God says here, then maybe the way we cope shouldn't be so different.  Maybe if we didn't take so much time trying to figure out an answer and just submitted our hearts, our trust, our lives to the Great Hope; if we would just let Him hold us in His mighty right hand; maybe then coping would not be such a mystery.

Broken is how we get to God.  Something broke us to get us to become believers, to become born again.  I know what mine was, and it has nothing to do with sickness!  In the dark and broken places, when we are alone with our thoughts and our open hearts, God performs the life saving surgery we need- salvation stitches holding us together.

Broken is the only way we can put the pieces back into some sort of frame that makes us feel whole again.  What is kinda cool is that the brokenness can transform us into understanding and living a life full of things we never understood before.  It makes us more aware, more understanding and perhaps more understood.

Life is supposed to break us.  God is supposed to put us back together.  Maybe he has a special art institute up in Heaven that displays all the mosaics of each of our lives.  Then, when we finally get to meet him face to face, the mosaics disappear because we are truly whole.  

Here's to our broken lives that lead us to the path of complete wholeness.  Thank God we are not alone.  We have each other and we have Him.

John 16:33

In this world you will have trouble, but be brave; I have defeated the world.

Much Love,
Vicki

It's so loud I can't see

I keep waiting for a mountain top to be seen in the horizon of my life.  Waiting and waiting.... I am getting pretty good at waiting.  It's not as nerve racking as it once was.  Now it has become a time to do, get, be, go, do, do, do as much as possible before the waiting becomes the now.

Man, can I do...... I can do until I can't even sleep at night.  I can do morning rush, morning clean up, back to bed, afternoon errand/clean fest, afternoon rush hours, dinner bell, and evening rush.  I sit down around 9pm, tea, TV and drool down my mouth from finally resting.  I realized I do not know how to do quiet, rest, peace.  I think because I enjoy each 'do' so much (except cleaning) they don't feel like stress or pressure.  They feel fun.  And fun takes time.  Time is always running out.

This morning I was thinking about my lack of time with God and my abundance of time keeping myself busy enough to not dwell on the near future.  I am doing my part.  I am doing things so outside of my box, so beyond myself that I know only God can be in charge of this.  I am eating raw, vegetarian, no sugar or gluten, no corn or soy.  NO SUGAR.  M&Ms have sugar you know. But I am doing it.  I am going for prayer at a friends house where 3 of us meet at around 8 to pray for me.  FOR ME.  That is so not who I am.  And today I went up for prayer, because I just can't do this without God or without you.

This morning I was realizing I needed to get some scripture under my belt about trust and belief, healing and hope.  Now don't get too upset.  I have each of these- I know where they all come from.  I just am having a little trouble believing the miracle that is waiting for me.  It's hard to explain.  So into church I come, already knowing what I wanted to do for the afternoon, what I would write about today.  And then came the sermon.  Then I opened my bulletin.  And I smiled because who else but God could orchestrate the thoughts I was having to be completely lined up with the sermon AND an insert in the bulletin.  Seriously, God is for me.  That is exactly why I stood right up and went for prayer.  Boldness in approaching God is just oozing out of me.  I'm not afraid at all to walk up to the altar.  I'm not afraid to tell you I'm stuck and need your prayer.  I'm not afraid to tell God that I am not happy about this speed bump of a two week time period.  And I am not afraid to WAIT until next Monday to get the results because I want a nice Thanksgiving.

I am thankful to people who have said God told them I would be ok thru this.  I do wish I knew what ok meant, but in the end God wins.  End of story.  I am thankful to you who tell me you're praying for me because I believe you.

This week brings a day that will be full of sadness; the birthday of my sister in law Sweet Sue.  It's the first birthday since she reached her mountain top.  I miss her like crazy.  I miss her for her sister and my husband.  I miss her for my kids and for her kids.  Today Andy talked about something Sue practiced: Scripture overwriting the negative script of our lives.  That's our self talk... The negative stuff about what we look like, weigh, don't do perfectly.... She had a routine of sorts, speaking truth and life into her head and heart and soul thru scripture. I get it now.  I understood it then-but now I get it.

I have done a few things right.  I've asked.  I've banged on the door for 4 years now begging for healing.  I've gotten personal with God, even to the point of anger.  I know he can handle that.  Next is the scriptures.  Next is writing a prayer using scripture and me, my circumstance, and the names of God that go with them.  Those will be the next posts from me.

I know I've followed his lead in living this journey loud, out loud, to you.  I know I've been obedient in that.  At this time I am so LOUD about it that I can barely see!  I don't know why I can't see when it's too loud, but I can't.  I even got a bit lightheaded up front while being prayed for. Walking to the altar is a bold and loud move for me.

I learned that I am not as faithless as I thought.  If faith is asking boldly of our Father, then I have faith.  I have persistence wrapped up with a pretty bow!

Tomorrow a prayer for us.  I hope you write one too.

So many thanks and so much love to you for praying me thru.  That brings me peace and joy.  I do so love who we all are together- partners in prayer and in life.  Share your life.  It's important and someone needs to hear it.

Still in awe,

Vicki

Mountains

Lately, as the mountains of this life keep blocking my passage to another land, I've been thinking about what the mountain really is.

Mountains, a constant part of our lives.  I realize they are there to make us stronger in Christ, more reliant on Him and His grace and comfort and joy.  I realize, believe, and preach that often.  Mountains since a teenager.  Tough life since it was my own to choose.

Mountains are complicated.  Some start as a small mound, but thru discussion with others, our brains that can blow up the smallest of facts, thru time and ignorance we grow that mound into a mountain on our own.  I have way too many of those.  Accepting and understanding that is not very easy as we grow up and realize what we have done to ourselves.  For example, that first boyfriend that was controlling and abusive.  I chose to not leave.  I also chose to end it once I got it all figured out.  The price of that relationship being the starting point for many other mound mountains that I was fully responsible for creating.  Do you have any of those?  That mountain, however, was also the springboard for my meeting God, for him catching me and changing me and equipping me with the perseverance and strength, the stubborn, heals in the ground, you are not going to make me do anything I don't want to or that isn't of God bullheadedness.  Maybe BOLDheadedness is better.  I don't bully, but I'll be bold whenever necessary.  God made me strong and courageous so that I wouldn't have to be terrified again.

Mountains are HUGE.  Some mountains are dropped in your lap in an instant, or grow steadily as time continues because we didn't see or deal with it as a mound.  Of course the most significant mountain of this type for me is cancer.  It is not the only one though.  And herein lies the problem....

Cancer is not the actual mountain.

I have been thinking about this for weeks.  Cancer, diabetes, Celiac, heart disease, ADHD, bersitis, fibromyalsia, autism, infertility, alcoholism...... those are earthly, worldly problems brought to us because we are human.  They have nothing to do with faith.  They have nothing to do with no faith.  They just are a part of life.

The mountain is our response to our life.  As Christians our mountains are to remain faithful, trusting, loving, kind, forgiving, gentle, peaceful, joyful and patient.  Our mountain is showing our fruits, the fruits that have been being ripened and harvested for this moment, for such a time as this.  Our mountain is our attitude about our afflictions, how we live with them behind closed doors and how we live it in front of others.  And I do believe we are to live our lives in front of others.  If we don't, how can anyone tell that we are different?  If we don't live out loud, share our heartache and pain, share our strength and it's source, how will anyone know that it is not our humanness helping us, but our ability to lay down in front of the Lord and have him carry us.  How will even other Christians be able to tell that you have a burden you need to be sharing with us, so we can help comfort you, so we can walk with you thru it, if you aren't showing us?  If you don't live out loud you are not allowing God to be seen in your life- to believers or non believers. If God carries us thru the mountain we should be sharing that with others, walking besides those who have the same affliction.  Speak up! It's not like we don't know you have issues!  EVERYONE has some.  Now, live out loud to everyone in the whole world?  Nah.  But to a group you trust? YES.  It is imperative to healing.

This life is hard, dare I say sucks.  It is hard, hurtful, depressing, stressful and full of pain.  This life is wonderful, dare I say awesome.  It is full of friendships and love, families, babies, pets, churches and ministries.  Life is to be lived, regardless of our circumstances.  Living is the continual mountain we have to climb, navigating the problems whether large or small at every mile.  All we need to is have the faith of a mustard seed, to ask God to come, and He will grant us the grace we need to continue our lifelong uphill walk.  At the top, we meet Him, where our problems end, our mountain hike stops and the pearly gates await.

Grab those hiking boots, grab a few friends, and lets continue routing for each other at each mile.  The reward is that crown of glory.  I imagine the gems in our crown are earned for each life problem we conquer or continually live with.  Each gem hand picked by our loving Jesus because we choose to climb the mountain, to change our hearts, and to put on His attitude and character instead of how the world tells us to behave.

According to the world, I should be mad, mean, depressed and crawl into a hole.  But that doesn't do good for anyone.  I'd rather stay involved in life, raise awareness, make new friends, walk with others, speak my mind, love and learn how to do that all better.  I love telling my Polly Pocket story to others who have no belief system because it is centered around God's palm.  How much closer can you get to Him than that? I'm not crumbling to pieces, altho I've lost a few along the way.  I'm not constantly thinking about the possibility of the cancer coming back, altho I have many moments of that fear.  I am not afraid of chemo anymore, altho I'm gonna be MAD if I have to do it again.  But not mad at God.  He's innocent here.  So am I.  It's just life.  An equally unfair to all people moment in time.  I choose to live it.  And I choose to live it loud.  (I actually can hear you laugh)  This shy girl gone LOUD.  Only God.

Much love,
Vicki

On epicness

For a job well done,
I knew that you all had something planned, only because I knew about the tail gate.  And I knew that PJ was playing the game in my honor.
So in honor of you, of your sowing into my life, my family's lives and my friend's lives I thank you.  I'm sorry it isn't an intense Romeo football game, but it is an intense love and admiration for your love and admiration; all given us by God's amazing grace, hope and love.

A bit about that... On the day that we prayed for me, in April before my treatments started for this occurrence of cancer, PJ and the Butcher family came as did so many of you.  After prayer, PJ, a 16 year old young man who makes me laugh, who is quiet and private, smart, athletic, and 16.... asked me if it would be ok for him to play the Watchdog Game in my honor.  That was when I teared up.  I know how sappy this is going to sound, but I was so touched and humbled and so very honored that he chose me.  Deep down it made me feel like I mattered.  At a time when my life was turning upside down again, this young man helped to right my heart.

So since then I have been looking forward to that day.  Then, since PJ got a certain amount to money turned in he got my t-shirt early, so I had one before anyone else!  And I wore it!

As the kids returned to school I had some time to just be, and I got to wondering about the Week of Watchdog Cancer Awareness.  So much happening.  The Cross Country Team had some kids running for me on Tuesday.  And that's about the time I started feeling overwhelmed with a sense of anticipation with a dash of excitement.  I did so good not asking ANY questions of anyone! I knew that surprises from the hearts of my friends and family were coming my way. Which means being the center of attention-my most gosh darn  favorite place to be (insert your own sarcastic tone please.)

But how could I anticipate 2 canopies filled with food- and you.  Driving up, seeing the crowd, the kids running up to the truck.... Just amazing.  Getting a chance to hug everyone, not getting a chance to eat much.  Seeing my best friend of 26 years, from Columbus, here... Well the hug spoke for itself I would imagine.  The friends I have are amazing.  To know me so well.  To honor me when everyone of you have someone in your family that has battled cancer as well.  To honor me when so many of us survivors get to see each other each Sunday at church.  To honor me and to be blessed by so many friendships.  Just completely humbling.

Sitting in the stands, with us taking up so many rows... so many blankets and children and faces and laughter and conversation.  Nieces and nephews from St. Louis.  So much love.  How did I get to be so lucky, so loved?  

A friend said you reap what you sow.  Hmm.  I wish I could sow like I used to be able to.  I wish I could do more with you.  But the reality is too much is not possible for me right now.  So we've turned to talking and building relationships with words and stories and common ups and downs of regular proportions.  I love learning about your heart.  And I love sharing mine, especially the God moments.  And there were several God moments yesterday.....

The JV player who walked me thru the tunnel is Spencer Rinke, who is one of Austin's good friends since Kindergarden, and whose mom is a great friend of mine.  He walked up to the table right when I did.  The woman introduced us and we just smiled.  I said that he was a good friend of my son's and that I knew him well.  

Then seeing another great friend, Lucille, a breast cancer survivor, finding me at the tent, taking a picture with me and walking with me and Spencer and her escort, Hunter.  It was amazing.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Gal 6:9

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.  2 Cor. 9:6 

Thank you.  And I forgive any and all lies told to me during the last few weeks..... :)  And let's none of us ever give up and continue to sow into the lives of others generously.

Much love,

Vicki

Seek? Seek.

Today began with a memorial service for a dear friends nephew. The power of addiction being the focus. I was so blessed that truth about the situation was said and not just glossed over. It's such a serious problem. The solution presented was to stop making the bad choice and to start choosing God, you know, in a nutshell anyway. Referencing Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will see Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity, I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive. 

The concept of seeking God and we will find him really stuck to me.  I realized that I don't spend much time actually seeking God.  I've been spending more time trying to figure out how to fix a few screwy things in the family.  But I can't really fix things that don't belong to me.  I can't change a single persons attitude, or anger, or sass.  I can't. But maybe if I was spending more time seeking, letting go, and letting God take these things on it wouldn't be such a burden on me.

I'll be honest.  Finding Him kinda scares me.  I feel like so much has happened to me, so much, so hard, and that if another hard thing happens I might not be able to handle it.  And I don't just mean cancer.  There is so much more to my life than that.

I learned how very much I am missing my Sweet Sue.  The Willey reunion was just not the same.  And when Bob, her husband, went to leave I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness creep over me and over come me.  I said 'bye Bob.'  But I'm supposed to say 'bye sweet sue, bye Bob.  Love you both'.  So the first family reunion without her was super hard.  I had to take a shower just so I could have my break down in private.  Grieving takes  a lifetime.

Truth is, I don't know if I have an earthly future.  So then that kinda sucks the hope away from me.  So as the verse was read and discussed I came to the conclusion that I am not choosing to seek Him.  I used to.  But it seems meaningless.

I feel hope slipping further away from me, further away from being a reality of mine.  Yet hope is all I have.  If I can't keep ahold of that, what is there?  Well all that is left is fear and anxiety, busyness and avoidance. None of which will help this healing body, weak from fighting, in pain from the reality of the medicines, and a life that needs to be lived with restrictions and limitations.

As I waited for the runners to take the last turn today at the XC meet I had some quiet time.  I put on my iTunes and played some worship songs, ate a clementine, and sat quietly and in peace for about 5 whole minutes.  But it was glorious.  But it was also so awesome to cheer on the boys and girls for their last turn in the race- a tough race.  I told one young lady she was my hero.

I guess I am just very thin skinned right now, easily saddened, easily hurt, easily unfocused.  Easily broken hearted and easily led.

Time for a heart renewal. Not sure what that entails or looks like.  But I need a new heart, focused, loving living to seek Him.

Blossoms

I have just found out some sad news.  Our worship leader and his family are leaving MCC to pursue a church planting mission from God.  That is good.  Loosing them is bad.

Aron and Erica came to MCC just before my first battle with ovarian cancer.  I barely even knew them.  But during that battle Aron wrote and sang a song during worship that literally changed my attitude.  It's called My Faith is in Bloom.  And it is about me.  I mean, it isn't about me at all, but about someone/something else, but that day that song took hold of my heart and has held on to it since.
Aron has a way of bringing the word of God to music, to poetic harmony and rhythm that I have never experienced before.  There are just so many of his songs that break my heart open to the healing of God.

I always knew he was too good to stay here with us. He should have a worship album out, seriously.  My favorite songs are the ones he writes himself.  And Aron is the first worship leader we have had who has done this.  In fact, when he first started singing them for us, he didn't even mention that he wrote it.  But up on that big screen, if you really squint your eyes, you can see the writers name.... Aron Paul Kirk.

I am teary knowing that the way you put the words of God to song made me a better person.  His humble nature and unassuming character are what make him so awesome.

When I was diagnosed this third time around he posted a vimeo on my messages on FB.  It was beautiful and fully unexpected.  That he would do that for me overwhelmed my senses.  But now I also know that means he can do that for MY song, My Faith is in Bloom too.  So I am looking forward to having a new post, on my wall, with this life changing song of faith and endurance continuing to grow with God no matter what your circumstance.

Aron, Erica, I will miss you greatly.  Your walk, the one we can see, is one for us to study and try to achieve.  But Aron, you must know, there has been NO song more powerful to me than MY song.  You may as well have just written it for me.  Your talent of using Gods words to pierce our hearts is an amazing gift.  Thank you so much for sharing it with us for almost 5 years.

To God be the Glory.  Now it's your turn to let your faith bloom.  May the garden grown be as thankful to you both as I am.  Thank you for following his leading.

I love you muchly,
Vicki