It's so loud I can't see

I keep waiting for a mountain top to be seen in the horizon of my life.  Waiting and waiting.... I am getting pretty good at waiting.  It's not as nerve racking as it once was.  Now it has become a time to do, get, be, go, do, do, do as much as possible before the waiting becomes the now.

Man, can I do...... I can do until I can't even sleep at night.  I can do morning rush, morning clean up, back to bed, afternoon errand/clean fest, afternoon rush hours, dinner bell, and evening rush.  I sit down around 9pm, tea, TV and drool down my mouth from finally resting.  I realized I do not know how to do quiet, rest, peace.  I think because I enjoy each 'do' so much (except cleaning) they don't feel like stress or pressure.  They feel fun.  And fun takes time.  Time is always running out.

This morning I was thinking about my lack of time with God and my abundance of time keeping myself busy enough to not dwell on the near future.  I am doing my part.  I am doing things so outside of my box, so beyond myself that I know only God can be in charge of this.  I am eating raw, vegetarian, no sugar or gluten, no corn or soy.  NO SUGAR.  M&Ms have sugar you know. But I am doing it.  I am going for prayer at a friends house where 3 of us meet at around 8 to pray for me.  FOR ME.  That is so not who I am.  And today I went up for prayer, because I just can't do this without God or without you.

This morning I was realizing I needed to get some scripture under my belt about trust and belief, healing and hope.  Now don't get too upset.  I have each of these- I know where they all come from.  I just am having a little trouble believing the miracle that is waiting for me.  It's hard to explain.  So into church I come, already knowing what I wanted to do for the afternoon, what I would write about today.  And then came the sermon.  Then I opened my bulletin.  And I smiled because who else but God could orchestrate the thoughts I was having to be completely lined up with the sermon AND an insert in the bulletin.  Seriously, God is for me.  That is exactly why I stood right up and went for prayer.  Boldness in approaching God is just oozing out of me.  I'm not afraid at all to walk up to the altar.  I'm not afraid to tell you I'm stuck and need your prayer.  I'm not afraid to tell God that I am not happy about this speed bump of a two week time period.  And I am not afraid to WAIT until next Monday to get the results because I want a nice Thanksgiving.

I am thankful to people who have said God told them I would be ok thru this.  I do wish I knew what ok meant, but in the end God wins.  End of story.  I am thankful to you who tell me you're praying for me because I believe you.

This week brings a day that will be full of sadness; the birthday of my sister in law Sweet Sue.  It's the first birthday since she reached her mountain top.  I miss her like crazy.  I miss her for her sister and my husband.  I miss her for my kids and for her kids.  Today Andy talked about something Sue practiced: Scripture overwriting the negative script of our lives.  That's our self talk... The negative stuff about what we look like, weigh, don't do perfectly.... She had a routine of sorts, speaking truth and life into her head and heart and soul thru scripture. I get it now.  I understood it then-but now I get it.

I have done a few things right.  I've asked.  I've banged on the door for 4 years now begging for healing.  I've gotten personal with God, even to the point of anger.  I know he can handle that.  Next is the scriptures.  Next is writing a prayer using scripture and me, my circumstance, and the names of God that go with them.  Those will be the next posts from me.

I know I've followed his lead in living this journey loud, out loud, to you.  I know I've been obedient in that.  At this time I am so LOUD about it that I can barely see!  I don't know why I can't see when it's too loud, but I can't.  I even got a bit lightheaded up front while being prayed for. Walking to the altar is a bold and loud move for me.

I learned that I am not as faithless as I thought.  If faith is asking boldly of our Father, then I have faith.  I have persistence wrapped up with a pretty bow!

Tomorrow a prayer for us.  I hope you write one too.

So many thanks and so much love to you for praying me thru.  That brings me peace and joy.  I do so love who we all are together- partners in prayer and in life.  Share your life.  It's important and someone needs to hear it.

Still in awe,

Vicki

Mountains

Lately, as the mountains of this life keep blocking my passage to another land, I've been thinking about what the mountain really is.

Mountains, a constant part of our lives.  I realize they are there to make us stronger in Christ, more reliant on Him and His grace and comfort and joy.  I realize, believe, and preach that often.  Mountains since a teenager.  Tough life since it was my own to choose.

Mountains are complicated.  Some start as a small mound, but thru discussion with others, our brains that can blow up the smallest of facts, thru time and ignorance we grow that mound into a mountain on our own.  I have way too many of those.  Accepting and understanding that is not very easy as we grow up and realize what we have done to ourselves.  For example, that first boyfriend that was controlling and abusive.  I chose to not leave.  I also chose to end it once I got it all figured out.  The price of that relationship being the starting point for many other mound mountains that I was fully responsible for creating.  Do you have any of those?  That mountain, however, was also the springboard for my meeting God, for him catching me and changing me and equipping me with the perseverance and strength, the stubborn, heals in the ground, you are not going to make me do anything I don't want to or that isn't of God bullheadedness.  Maybe BOLDheadedness is better.  I don't bully, but I'll be bold whenever necessary.  God made me strong and courageous so that I wouldn't have to be terrified again.

Mountains are HUGE.  Some mountains are dropped in your lap in an instant, or grow steadily as time continues because we didn't see or deal with it as a mound.  Of course the most significant mountain of this type for me is cancer.  It is not the only one though.  And herein lies the problem....

Cancer is not the actual mountain.

I have been thinking about this for weeks.  Cancer, diabetes, Celiac, heart disease, ADHD, bersitis, fibromyalsia, autism, infertility, alcoholism...... those are earthly, worldly problems brought to us because we are human.  They have nothing to do with faith.  They have nothing to do with no faith.  They just are a part of life.

The mountain is our response to our life.  As Christians our mountains are to remain faithful, trusting, loving, kind, forgiving, gentle, peaceful, joyful and patient.  Our mountain is showing our fruits, the fruits that have been being ripened and harvested for this moment, for such a time as this.  Our mountain is our attitude about our afflictions, how we live with them behind closed doors and how we live it in front of others.  And I do believe we are to live our lives in front of others.  If we don't, how can anyone tell that we are different?  If we don't live out loud, share our heartache and pain, share our strength and it's source, how will anyone know that it is not our humanness helping us, but our ability to lay down in front of the Lord and have him carry us.  How will even other Christians be able to tell that you have a burden you need to be sharing with us, so we can help comfort you, so we can walk with you thru it, if you aren't showing us?  If you don't live out loud you are not allowing God to be seen in your life- to believers or non believers. If God carries us thru the mountain we should be sharing that with others, walking besides those who have the same affliction.  Speak up! It's not like we don't know you have issues!  EVERYONE has some.  Now, live out loud to everyone in the whole world?  Nah.  But to a group you trust? YES.  It is imperative to healing.

This life is hard, dare I say sucks.  It is hard, hurtful, depressing, stressful and full of pain.  This life is wonderful, dare I say awesome.  It is full of friendships and love, families, babies, pets, churches and ministries.  Life is to be lived, regardless of our circumstances.  Living is the continual mountain we have to climb, navigating the problems whether large or small at every mile.  All we need to is have the faith of a mustard seed, to ask God to come, and He will grant us the grace we need to continue our lifelong uphill walk.  At the top, we meet Him, where our problems end, our mountain hike stops and the pearly gates await.

Grab those hiking boots, grab a few friends, and lets continue routing for each other at each mile.  The reward is that crown of glory.  I imagine the gems in our crown are earned for each life problem we conquer or continually live with.  Each gem hand picked by our loving Jesus because we choose to climb the mountain, to change our hearts, and to put on His attitude and character instead of how the world tells us to behave.

According to the world, I should be mad, mean, depressed and crawl into a hole.  But that doesn't do good for anyone.  I'd rather stay involved in life, raise awareness, make new friends, walk with others, speak my mind, love and learn how to do that all better.  I love telling my Polly Pocket story to others who have no belief system because it is centered around God's palm.  How much closer can you get to Him than that? I'm not crumbling to pieces, altho I've lost a few along the way.  I'm not constantly thinking about the possibility of the cancer coming back, altho I have many moments of that fear.  I am not afraid of chemo anymore, altho I'm gonna be MAD if I have to do it again.  But not mad at God.  He's innocent here.  So am I.  It's just life.  An equally unfair to all people moment in time.  I choose to live it.  And I choose to live it loud.  (I actually can hear you laugh)  This shy girl gone LOUD.  Only God.

Much love,
Vicki

On epicness

For a job well done,
I knew that you all had something planned, only because I knew about the tail gate.  And I knew that PJ was playing the game in my honor.
So in honor of you, of your sowing into my life, my family's lives and my friend's lives I thank you.  I'm sorry it isn't an intense Romeo football game, but it is an intense love and admiration for your love and admiration; all given us by God's amazing grace, hope and love.

A bit about that... On the day that we prayed for me, in April before my treatments started for this occurrence of cancer, PJ and the Butcher family came as did so many of you.  After prayer, PJ, a 16 year old young man who makes me laugh, who is quiet and private, smart, athletic, and 16.... asked me if it would be ok for him to play the Watchdog Game in my honor.  That was when I teared up.  I know how sappy this is going to sound, but I was so touched and humbled and so very honored that he chose me.  Deep down it made me feel like I mattered.  At a time when my life was turning upside down again, this young man helped to right my heart.

So since then I have been looking forward to that day.  Then, since PJ got a certain amount to money turned in he got my t-shirt early, so I had one before anyone else!  And I wore it!

As the kids returned to school I had some time to just be, and I got to wondering about the Week of Watchdog Cancer Awareness.  So much happening.  The Cross Country Team had some kids running for me on Tuesday.  And that's about the time I started feeling overwhelmed with a sense of anticipation with a dash of excitement.  I did so good not asking ANY questions of anyone! I knew that surprises from the hearts of my friends and family were coming my way. Which means being the center of attention-my most gosh darn  favorite place to be (insert your own sarcastic tone please.)

But how could I anticipate 2 canopies filled with food- and you.  Driving up, seeing the crowd, the kids running up to the truck.... Just amazing.  Getting a chance to hug everyone, not getting a chance to eat much.  Seeing my best friend of 26 years, from Columbus, here... Well the hug spoke for itself I would imagine.  The friends I have are amazing.  To know me so well.  To honor me when everyone of you have someone in your family that has battled cancer as well.  To honor me when so many of us survivors get to see each other each Sunday at church.  To honor me and to be blessed by so many friendships.  Just completely humbling.

Sitting in the stands, with us taking up so many rows... so many blankets and children and faces and laughter and conversation.  Nieces and nephews from St. Louis.  So much love.  How did I get to be so lucky, so loved?  

A friend said you reap what you sow.  Hmm.  I wish I could sow like I used to be able to.  I wish I could do more with you.  But the reality is too much is not possible for me right now.  So we've turned to talking and building relationships with words and stories and common ups and downs of regular proportions.  I love learning about your heart.  And I love sharing mine, especially the God moments.  And there were several God moments yesterday.....

The JV player who walked me thru the tunnel is Spencer Rinke, who is one of Austin's good friends since Kindergarden, and whose mom is a great friend of mine.  He walked up to the table right when I did.  The woman introduced us and we just smiled.  I said that he was a good friend of my son's and that I knew him well.  

Then seeing another great friend, Lucille, a breast cancer survivor, finding me at the tent, taking a picture with me and walking with me and Spencer and her escort, Hunter.  It was amazing.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Gal 6:9

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.  2 Cor. 9:6 

Thank you.  And I forgive any and all lies told to me during the last few weeks..... :)  And let's none of us ever give up and continue to sow into the lives of others generously.

Much love,

Vicki

Seek? Seek.

Today began with a memorial service for a dear friends nephew. The power of addiction being the focus. I was so blessed that truth about the situation was said and not just glossed over. It's such a serious problem. The solution presented was to stop making the bad choice and to start choosing God, you know, in a nutshell anyway. Referencing Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will see Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity, I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive. 

The concept of seeking God and we will find him really stuck to me.  I realized that I don't spend much time actually seeking God.  I've been spending more time trying to figure out how to fix a few screwy things in the family.  But I can't really fix things that don't belong to me.  I can't change a single persons attitude, or anger, or sass.  I can't. But maybe if I was spending more time seeking, letting go, and letting God take these things on it wouldn't be such a burden on me.

I'll be honest.  Finding Him kinda scares me.  I feel like so much has happened to me, so much, so hard, and that if another hard thing happens I might not be able to handle it.  And I don't just mean cancer.  There is so much more to my life than that.

I learned how very much I am missing my Sweet Sue.  The Willey reunion was just not the same.  And when Bob, her husband, went to leave I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness creep over me and over come me.  I said 'bye Bob.'  But I'm supposed to say 'bye sweet sue, bye Bob.  Love you both'.  So the first family reunion without her was super hard.  I had to take a shower just so I could have my break down in private.  Grieving takes  a lifetime.

Truth is, I don't know if I have an earthly future.  So then that kinda sucks the hope away from me.  So as the verse was read and discussed I came to the conclusion that I am not choosing to seek Him.  I used to.  But it seems meaningless.

I feel hope slipping further away from me, further away from being a reality of mine.  Yet hope is all I have.  If I can't keep ahold of that, what is there?  Well all that is left is fear and anxiety, busyness and avoidance. None of which will help this healing body, weak from fighting, in pain from the reality of the medicines, and a life that needs to be lived with restrictions and limitations.

As I waited for the runners to take the last turn today at the XC meet I had some quiet time.  I put on my iTunes and played some worship songs, ate a clementine, and sat quietly and in peace for about 5 whole minutes.  But it was glorious.  But it was also so awesome to cheer on the boys and girls for their last turn in the race- a tough race.  I told one young lady she was my hero.

I guess I am just very thin skinned right now, easily saddened, easily hurt, easily unfocused.  Easily broken hearted and easily led.

Time for a heart renewal. Not sure what that entails or looks like.  But I need a new heart, focused, loving living to seek Him.

Blossoms

I have just found out some sad news.  Our worship leader and his family are leaving MCC to pursue a church planting mission from God.  That is good.  Loosing them is bad.

Aron and Erica came to MCC just before my first battle with ovarian cancer.  I barely even knew them.  But during that battle Aron wrote and sang a song during worship that literally changed my attitude.  It's called My Faith is in Bloom.  And it is about me.  I mean, it isn't about me at all, but about someone/something else, but that day that song took hold of my heart and has held on to it since.
Aron has a way of bringing the word of God to music, to poetic harmony and rhythm that I have never experienced before.  There are just so many of his songs that break my heart open to the healing of God.

I always knew he was too good to stay here with us. He should have a worship album out, seriously.  My favorite songs are the ones he writes himself.  And Aron is the first worship leader we have had who has done this.  In fact, when he first started singing them for us, he didn't even mention that he wrote it.  But up on that big screen, if you really squint your eyes, you can see the writers name.... Aron Paul Kirk.

I am teary knowing that the way you put the words of God to song made me a better person.  His humble nature and unassuming character are what make him so awesome.

When I was diagnosed this third time around he posted a vimeo on my messages on FB.  It was beautiful and fully unexpected.  That he would do that for me overwhelmed my senses.  But now I also know that means he can do that for MY song, My Faith is in Bloom too.  So I am looking forward to having a new post, on my wall, with this life changing song of faith and endurance continuing to grow with God no matter what your circumstance.

Aron, Erica, I will miss you greatly.  Your walk, the one we can see, is one for us to study and try to achieve.  But Aron, you must know, there has been NO song more powerful to me than MY song.  You may as well have just written it for me.  Your talent of using Gods words to pierce our hearts is an amazing gift.  Thank you so much for sharing it with us for almost 5 years.

To God be the Glory.  Now it's your turn to let your faith bloom.  May the garden grown be as thankful to you both as I am.  Thank you for following his leading.

I love you muchly,
Vicki

Trusting

Bring me all your feelings, even the ones you wish you didn't have.....  Jesus Calling

I've been having such a hard time speaking my feelings.  That's actually a life long problem of mine.  But give me a keyboard and I'm golden.  I wonder why that is.  There are times when I know I have a feeling of discontent but I just can't put my finger on where it is coming from- what in my life is causing those feelings. I have friends who want to know what I am feeling about this journey, the pain, the waiting and there are just some things I am NOT going to share out loud with people who love me.  That is for the 'Ugly Journal' kept in a secret spot.  And these words just validated that I can keep them between me and my journal, because that is really between me and God.  It's my I'm fighting with God journal, my I'm fighting with myself journal, my I'm fighting with cancer journal.  And it's mine.  Not all my feelings are worth repeating, or worth saying out loud.  Everything changes when you say things out loud.

Do not hide from your fear or pretend it isn't there.  Anxiety that you hide in the recesses of your heart will give birth to fear of fear: a monstrous stepchild.  Bring your anxieties out into the Light of My Presence, where we can deal with them together.  Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you..... Jesus Calling

Anxiety hidden in your heart with give birth to fear of fear.  That strikes me as just the worst possible thing someone could be fearful of because that cycle would be never ending.

This week has been a roller coaster, ending on a really good 'turn'.  Last Sunday our sermon about David and Goliath really hit me strong and hard.  And the music selection was superb.  A new song called Always brought me to the alter for prayer.  The best part about that moment is that on the way to church last week I was nudged to go up for prayer- nudged to go up for prayer every week.  Now those of you who know me know, that in real life, I'm a bit private, and can say that I am not sure I have ever gone up for prayer on a Sunday morning.  I have been prayed over by the Elders and anointed with oil twice.  However, stepping out of my flip flops (so I didn't trip) and into the isle to walk those few feet to the alter was AWESOME.  Thank you for coming up and praying, or sitting and praying.  My prayer is for complete healing.  I want to be a living miracle, and last week I felt like nothing was working out, nothing was going to help, and took a little trip to the pit.  I'm tired.  I hurt.  I'm just done, which makes me thankful for a break from the chemo for a while.

I'm pretty good at hearing nudges.  I am getting much better at acting upon those nudges.  So if you see me up for prayer at the alter again, it's because I am trying to build my faith and trust that even a sinner like me can be healed and delivered from a disease that is relentless in it's pursuit of your life.  My soul, my heart, it cannot have.  That is where I want my strength to come from.  That knowledge that only Jesus has my heart and soul, and only I can cave in and let something else take them over.  So I am guarding them.

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.   Ephesians 6:16

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid.  The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.   Isaiah 12:2

My seemingly constant if not understandable battle with fear has been gripping me by the throat this time around.  Maybe it's just a third battle with the same beast thing.... I don't know.  More probable is it's my heart and my heads problem- not breathing in the greatness that is in me, around me, protecting me. Come what may.

Much love,
Vicki

Whisteria

Finally the weather has given me a chance to get outside.  We had a family weeding day on Sunday after church.  I am in a significant amount of pain with this darn chemo and it is keeping me from doing things I could do 3 months ago.  So now the kiddos have to help, and can't complain because then I get to pull the pain card.  I don't really like to do that.  So while Jayson was weeding for the first time I looked at the Whisteria tree and decided I needed to tame it.  The blooms are about to blossom and one of my favorite smells of summer is that beautiful purple flower.

The vines are totally out of control.  They criss cross over and around and under and everywhere.  So I started at the bottom where the vines were really just growing along the ground.  That was easy.  Then I looked closer and found some vines that were dead, so I pruned those away.  As I was pulling some of those dead vines away I saw that altho some of the vine looked dead, the other end had new growth on it.  Thankfully I didn't prune away any flowers.  So I just kinda kept going but, as is usual, my mind got caught up in some thoughts about pruning the dead vines that were alive.

We learn in the Bible that we will be pruned so that we can bare much fruit- the fruit of the spirit.  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control.  We learn that sometimes we need to continue pruning ourselves so that we can become more fruitful.  And I got to wondering: Is it possible to prune ourselves too quickly?  Like those vines I pruned that looked dead but really had new growth, do we prune something away that is sprouting new growth that will become beautiful?  When we prune something that hinders our relationship with Jesus do we give it enough time to be gone, for the new growth to begin to change us and make us beautiful, before we prune the next thing.  I wonder if that is a way to keep ourselves from facing our weaknesses and strengths.  If we just keep pruning without looking for the new growth, without learning how to be that new person, we never really have to come to grips with the changes happening within our hearts. Just another form of avoidance.

We tend to call it processing time.  It's that time when we talk it out with friends, pray about what is ugly inside of us, and realize that it is time to make a change for the better, to better our witness, to better our relationship with Jesus which will ultimately better us.  I am guilty of saying I'm processing when really I am busy cleaning or working or having fun so I don't have to face 'it'.  Like this recurrence again this spring.  I cannot get to the other end of the vine where the new growth and better relationship is.  I'm very viney, with thoughts, mostly bad, mostly unedifying, mostly negative, stringing themselves around each other until they are tangled up.  I'm just a dead vine.  I don't have Peace, and I'm pretty sure Patience is not one of my top 10 best qualities.  And Faithful- I don't know. I don't feel faith filled sometimes.  Maybe I am just one of those wandering vines I pruned from the ground.  Unsure of where I should go, how I should feel, how not to worry, how not to think the worst.

And the big difference this time is the pain element.  That is what is bringing my spirit down, making me feel unfit to fight this fight-again.  Me, in pain, in each and every joint, that has been known to bring me to tears makes for a strange Vicki.  Because Vicki goes, and goes, and goes.  And right now if I do that, the pain is worse.  So I have to figure out how to manage it, and how to manage a less active life.  And quite frankly, that makes me mad.  So bitterness is something I am trying to prune along with trying to grow some Peace about this body of mine.  I'm getting tired of redefining myself- my physical self.

Maybe the scent of the Whisteria will help to sooth my soul.

Vicki