Thursday, December 11, 2014

What happened was this….

I've really had some major issues these last few months.  They stem from some things that happened and didn't happen and I had an opinion about those things.  It basically started as having a few trust issues.  I felt myself pull away from wanting to be a part of my community.  I know this is vague- it's going to stay that way.  When all of these feelings were added to August 7th (that's what I call it, the day we learned too much at the Mayo Clinic) I just wanted to disappear.  I usually do disappear for processing the bad information and everyone has always given me the grace to do that.  But, to put it quite bluntly, this time the end seemed closer than fighting could take me.

During this darkness I expressed to Tim that it's time to start making some memories as a family.  Of course we've always made memories.  But I meant the BIG memories that would just last forever because of their BIGness.  I don't want to be attempting to make memories when I am so sick I can't actually participate-you understand?  When I am at that point, you guys get to come to me to make memories, but that time will be more private.  Now to be clear, I am not close to that place right now, like I thought I was on August 7th.  My current chemo is working, I feel pretty good, the chemo is not very harsh and it didn't cause my hair to fall out!

So what I wanted to do to make memories is go to Disney.  We've only been once as a family and I was pregnant with Jay so he sorta missed it.  My idea was to go for Christmas, relax and let that be our gift.  I started looking into it, pricing it, looking at what we have for bills and such and just got so disappointed.  A $5,000 was just not happening, memories or not.  So I just kinda gave up on that one.  Then this Groupon came to my email.  A vacation club renting their condo's for CHEAP!  I am a good bargain hunter and this was some bargain.  5 nights for under $600!  Yes I am serious.  So now I have to figure out the airfare and the days that are the least expensive to fly…. Weeks later flights for under $200.  Yes I am serious.  However there's still the cost of the parks- oh my!  No way around that one really.  So I gave up again.  I told Tim we'll just have to do a few weekend things while the kids are home….. On his way to work that night he called me and said that we needed to just do this.  Book it all and we'll figure the rest out.  I was so awestruck that he felt the importance of this memory making like I did.  Although it hurt my heart that he understood.  That night moved us into longer, harder but important conversations.

So, maxed out AmEx, here we come.  Disney here we come!  We leave Tuesday-Sunday.  On Monday before we leave I have my Avastin medication which really had no affect on me physically.  The day after we return I have chemo.  It's crazy and oh so wonderful.

So back to the trust issues.  Well I realized that I was having an attitude problem at least for some of it and decided that I needed to work on getting rid of that.  So I have been, while following the most amazing blog and story of courage and grace called Mundane Faithfulness.  I've posted it a couple of times and yes it is a very difficult blog to read but I feel so validated and understood at a level only someone in our position can completely understand.  Not like any difficult situation really.  Her book is really good.  Grace is what she is after and chasing with every breath she takes, every test and every next step.  Her next steps suck. Her name is Kara and I am obsessed with following her at the moment. Quite frankly, there just isn't time for attitude problems so I'm quitting them.  I've been given this grace to live each day I have for a purpose, and it's to continue to point people to Jesus.

So God's hand and feet- that's whoever you are- gave us a package of grace and blessing.  That's what happened.  2 nights ago we were ding dong ditched, except there was a twist.  My normal reaction is to fly out of the house running cuz I simply want to play too.  But something kept me calm.  I even gave them getaway time (altho the car was a bit noisy).  I went to the door, the front door, and there was this package with a Mickey Mouse silhouette on it.  Very interesting.  Ok I admit it, I opened it!  But then rewrapped it so that the kids could have the same reaction.  I think it's important for them to have to figure out what just happened.  Love just happened.  In abundance from your hearts to overflowing in ours.  The blessing was money for our trip.  I don't know who started this or why, but I am going to just say thank you.  Thank you for giving so much to our family over the last 6 years.  Thank you for your tears, hugs, prayers, and hugs.  Thank you for always asking.  And thank you for making my kids wonder about goodness and love.

I've decided I will not try to figure this one out.  I don't want to steal anyone's joy.  Just know we are so thankful, very humbled, and feel very loved.  This was a very unexpected, undeserved, and beautiful gift to our family.

Vicki and family