For Me?

My sister  came home to Port Huron for the PH to Mackinaw sailboat race.  It's the biggest thing that happens in PH.  Especially when the Sharpe girls are in town.  But we didn't even get to go out that actual boat night.  We did get to see fireworks tho, and downtown carnival Port Huronites.

On Friday morning we went downtown to see some boats and we ended up walking the sidewalk sale. Well downtown PH doesn't really have shops anymore so vendors were set up along the middle of the street.  I'm not normally a vendor gal, but we walked a bit and I stopped at a jewelry vendor (duh).  I was looking at the charms and mentioned that the Autism heart was pretty and that I had a severely autistic nephew, but I noticed they didn't have any teal ribbon charms.  But they did and the vendor got one for me to see.  Nice bracelets, nice jewelry that can tell your story with in numerous charms.  I let her know I wasn't much of a jewelry gal and she understood and was so sweet.  I filled out the form for a chance to win a free bracelet which was beautiful, but as I was filling it out I was saying that I wouldn't have a party….

So, coincidently Abbie, the vendor, has a child with Aspergers, on the genetic line of Autism.  He has had cancer but is cured now.  Her family is riddled with both breast and ovarian cancer.  In fact when I asked about the teal ribbon, for ovarian cancer, I said that it was my cancer, and she said she had it 8 years ago.  I looked at her long hair and healthy looking body and asked if she had been cancer free since than and she had been.  She was 32 when diagnosed.  32!  They did catch it early which is the biggest blessing that can happen with cancer.  However, she is positive for the BRCA gene, which brings her risk of breast cancer WAY up.  Up so high so can have a double mastectomy based soley on the gene presence.  She is having it done.

She home schools her 5 children and her husband is in the service.  They just decided to live summers in PH and the winters at their home in Arizona.  Pretty cool.  So we talked a bit, my husband called and I ended up walking away so I could hear and talk to him.  After we hung up my mom walked up next to me and gave me a teal box.  Inside the teal box was a pretty teal trinket holder and inside was a bracelet, with a teal rim and a heart shaped autism charm and a teal ribbon.  Teary yet?  Me too.

So of course I went back, to a vendor, who I will not have a party for because I don't wear jewelry….. I just hugged her and thanked her for blessing me.  She said she cried the whole time she put it together.  So we talked a bit more. Oh how her story breaks my heart.  She has a daughter, 19.  I have a daughter who is 19.  She was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  SHE'S 19!  She was away with her boyfriend/fiancee at that moment figuring out what to do about children.  Lord, have mercy.  Abbie had to really push to make sure her daughter got the correct testing.  Luckily again it is caught early.  But the heartbreak.  Her story is incomprehendable.

Coincidence: never have believed in it.  Abbie is a Christian woman with a Christian family and found a church to go to in PH while they summer there.  And it's my sister in laws church!  God had a plan for that day, and it happened just as he planned.  I hope I did what he wanted.  I'm blessed that she did. God let me meet a survivor of a disease with few survivors.  A carrier of the gene mutation I will be tested for again, and a 19 year old daughter already diagnosed.  You know where mine is heading when she gets home from Germany….

Coincidence is just a word people who can't fathom a God that loves and gives grace and hope to those suffering use when they are given moment of peace and joy and understanding.  God brings the incidents to us, when needed, when necessary.  Not all incidents are good- that's that.  But they aren't accidental in any way.

My journey keeps giving.  It may keep giving me cancer, but it keeps giving me stories to tell, awesomely, unbelievably loving and faith filled people to touch my heart.  Sometimes I get to be that person.  It seems recently that more and more I have been the receiver.  I want to be that hope  but I've been so unsure of so very much lately- not just health- just normal life stuff.

I'm so blessed to have met Abbie, to pray for her daughter.  I look forward to contacting her, about having a party! Origamiowl jewelry.  God's so funny.  Good thing I love to have a party!

Pray for Abbie's daughter, Lauren I think.  And look for those coincidences and be sure to go to them.  Don't run from them.  They are for you and for the other person.

Coincidence, a meeting of people under certain conditions that people believe are random, but Believers know are orchestrated by the God of all Masterpieces.

I'm so glad to be so confused so often.  Maybe that helps me to keep seeing the truth that coincidence is non existent.

Much love,
Vicki

By your side

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face, just don't turn away 

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run, to where will you run? 

'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you 

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in and give you life
I wanna give you life 

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you 

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you 

'Cause I, I love you, I want you to know
That I, yeah I love you, I'll never let you go
No, no 

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you 

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Here at my side
My hands are holding you- 

Tenth Avenue North 

I'm sure I've heard this song more than a few times, but hearing it at a funeral of a friend I never got to meet sent me into a great place in my heart.  I can't imagine what is going to go thru your head as I write, but I've never admired and smiled about someone I've never met before.  Deb and I were FB chatters.  She is good friends with two of my friends, one her nurse, and one a friend from church.  I went to the funeral for my friend but also so that I could know her more.  And I learned so very much about her.  We would have been friends.

This song reminds me of how I became Polly Pocket- do you remember?  Pretend to be small like a polly pocket, settle into the palm of God's hand and stay put- don't jump out.  That's the short story.

Don't fight these hands that are holding you.  If I could make my own video a part of it would show me pushing His hands away, turning myself away and walking into a forest.  Why a forest?  Because if you don't have a compass, don't know where you are and get in there far enough you'll be lost.  I can assure you, it doesn't take long to get lost, and to plead for His compass.  

Look at these hands at my side

They swallowed the grave on that night

When I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in and give you life

I wanna give you life

God's hands are by His side, He was buried and placed in a tomb, while on the cross He was given vinegar to drink which represents our sin, all so He could rise from the dead and give us eternal life, carrying us to Him, to our home in Heaven.  The video I watched showed Thomas touching His side.  Oh the doubt.  Doubt is such a slippery slope, an overly wooded forest of fear of the unknown.  

To learn about Deb, to listen to the words written about her, to listen to the songs she chose for her funeral, to hear about how she dealt with finding out she only had a month or so to live… To learn all that taught me about courage.  Courage not found anywhere except in a heart of a Jesus lover.

So I'm heading back onto the path of courage.  Real, true courage.  Along that path I am making a pit stop: at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.  We leave tomorrow.  I'm going to have tests and find out if I qualify for the study.  And even if I don't I'll have a very good second opinion.  Fear is rearing it's ugly head in rising numbers and chemo on the back burner.  Plus it's May, so it's just the same story different year.  I should be used to it, but that fear always creeps up on me.  So although I know hardly anything about what will be happening in Minnesota, I know I will have a CT scan and a lot of testing, and get to talk to a couple of doctors.  So that is exciting.  More information is better for me!  Having some choices is always nice too.

I'll have to thank Deb for her courage, for showing it and sharing it.

Polly

http://youtu.be/7gpBudeA2Nc

Friendship

Proverbs 27: 19  As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart. 

I have a tendency to take friendship very seriously.  I know why I do.  It's because I have screwed up so many good friendships.  I screw up even now.  I wish to be perfect, but it just isn't going to happen. My childhood friendships were great and exactly what they should have been.  I don't think I started screwing up until high school.  You may or may not know that I rather disliked my husband in High School.  It's soooo true.  But I didn't mess that one up (just like now, it's never me::))

Proverbs 27:6  Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

To be honest I started to be selfish in HS.  I thought I wanted to be 'popular' but now I know differently.  I've learned that even as a teen, I liked a lot of different people-according to HS classifications!  I had some hilarious relationships with some popular people, some awesome friendships with some banders (of which I got to be a part of for one year), and the jokes between the burnouts and me were so funny.  I wasn't stupid, I made sure I had my back covered by strong fighters just in case someone wanted to fight me.  That didn't happen.  It did to my sister, but that's for another day…..

I have figured out why I can't stand the word 'clique'.  I hate it because it basically puts people in a box and if you're in a box, you can't grow and mature.  I was the girl who made sure that when the mentally disabled boy in our neighborhood wanted to play with us he was welcomed.  I was the girl who went on a date with a guy whose speech no one could understand.  He was wheelchair bound and I believe he had MS. I could understand most of what he said because my dear uncle Darwin had MS and we all learned to understand and 'speak' that language.  I had a heart for him because I could see all the looks on others faces when he'd try to ask a question in class.  I helped translate.  I've just have never been afraid to approach someone just because they are different.  I'm not afraid to say that I didn't quite understand what they just said could they repeat it…. I'm not really afraid to say a whole lot.

So I guess I hate the word 'clique' because I never got to be a part of one.  That's what I mean by selfish.  One friend, who lived so close to me, we just drifted apart.  No issue, we just went different ways. Other friends were the lets get the party going friends.  I really needed them because I was stuck in a really unhappy relationship and at that time in my life wasn't strong enough to stick up for myself.  When I saw a blue VW Rabbit a few weeks ago I laughed out loud.  That was my car-a car used for sneaking into drive in movies, cruising around downtown and throwing cinnamon gummy bears at Harley Dudes, and racing around in general.  I'm glad cars can't talk.

So on to college and a couple of really great roommates.  I had too many friends that I talked to.  Too many that I shared my heart.  And at least once I hurt a friend deeply.  The one I'll focus on is the one that still haunts me.  While there is a reason for what I did, it is irrelevant.  I told someone else something I wasn't supposed to tell, and it ruined her reputation, our friendship, and my friendship with our mutual roommate.  I've still to this day never felt so badly about causing so much pain to someone I loved.

Proverbs 17:9  Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever    repeats the matter separates close friends.

Which brings me to being an adult.  I have been blessed with friends. I have many friends from many different areas of life, many different kinds of people because I love different kinds of people.  I'm not sure what normal is, but I can assure you I haven't a normal friend in the bunch!  I've learned, thru some very hurtful circumstances to be very particular about who I let IN.  And while I understand that I share a lot of who I am on these pages, these pages do not have a personality.  They aren't me.  But you do know quite a bit about me.  I have 3 friends I trust with my heart.  I truly believe that no one should have too many people who know their hearts desires.  People are just not trustworthy.  I have these 3 friends because of God.  I know that God brought them into my life, to be, or do for me when I can't.  I know God brought Bethany and I together because we didn't like each other at first!! In fact, our mutual friend made us go out one night together to 'The Flats' in Cleveland.  It's impossible to not have fun in The Flats.  We dressed 'to the 9's' for that night and we learned that we really had a lot in common and a TON not in common.  It's been 25 years, and 22 of them have been long distance.  We are able to not talk for weeks and know that nothing has changed between us.  It's awesome.  God brought Shelly into my life when I was teaching Kindergarten.  I know that was from God because she totally intimidated me because she was such an awesome teacher.  I wanted to be like her.  It took us a bit to get close, but when we were pregnant together with Austin and Micayla, there was no breaking us apart.  We fought over the bathroom almost daily, I watched her drink her Vernors every day and be sick everyday.  We ran after 'runaways' often (please take a moment and picture that-we weren't small pregnant women!)  It's been 20 years.  And Teri- totally a God thing, via Facebook!  I messaged her that I thought we should meet because she knew a few of my friends, one from church and others from Romeo.  So I just had to meet her.  I stalked her comments to learn more about her.  She actually said yes to meeting and here we are today.  She has only known me post cancer.  Talk about a roller coaster ride.  I've been downright crazy, depressed, hyper, hopeful, hopeless….That's how she knows me.  It's been 5 years now.

Proverbs 27:17  As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

God has quite a bit to say about friendship.  I wanted to share it because I know friendship can be hard and hurtful.  I think the most important part of friendship is honesty, even when it hurts.  If we can't say what we mean then why are we talking?  Being honest brings growth to both parties.  It teaches us more about each other's hearts and why they work the way they do.  In fact in just the last 2 weeks I've done a lot of learning and begun to understand quite a bit.  Mostly, God chooses friends really well for me.  That I am fiercely loyal and protective of those relationships and will not give up on them because I know that God brought us together.  I will never stop learning how to be a good friend. (BTW, the same rule applies to my marriage.)

1 John 4:11  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us…  Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.

Proverbs 27:9  Perfumes and incense bring you to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice. 

Having an issue with a friend?  Have you said or done something, been dishonest, been gossiping?  Then fix it.  Don't explain it away.  Don't blame them.  Don't give up.  Go, in love, and talk.  If you're in a box, get OUT and broaden your base of friends.  Get out of your box and love differently, love the way they need love.  Jesus did.  He even called Judas his friend at the moment of deception.

2 Peter 3:14  So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him.

Job 2:11-13  When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.  When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust not heir heads.  Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.  No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.  

Thank you for loving me, even when you don't know me well.  Thank you for loving me the way I need, because sometimes I don't even know what I need for love.

Vicki

 

For Sheri

Today I said goodbye to a friend I have known for less than 2 years. I didn't get the courage to say this at her funeral today, so I'll say it here, on a piece of 'paper' where I can delete my mistakes, my stammerings and the look of horror on my face when I am in front of people.

I am not a good friend of Sheri's, but our daughters are good friends.  We know each other because of them.  We knew our families were both Christian.  We knew each other because we both had cancer.

When I learned about her diagnosis about a year ago I was devastated.  Not for me, please understand.  For her family, for her daughter Haylee that I just adore.  Because cancer has been a way of life for the last 6 years of my life I have a tendency to get in contact with people I know who are newly diagnosed.  It's just part of what I do.  Sheri and I texted.  I learned the name of her rare lung cancer, knew its stage, and knew it wasn't good.  About a month later we saw each other at the Newsboys concert.  I gave her a hug and we chatted a bit.  She said something extraordinary that day.  It never left my brain (amazing as that sounds, it's true)  She said she is believing her body is healed already and that whatever she has to do for treatment is just insurance.  She believed she was healed.  She was right.

I learned so much about her this week.  I think her favorite color was pink.  She liked M&Ms and Hersheys.  She loved vacations.  She adored her family.  She has the best adoption story ever.  She was scared.  She loved.  She was loved.  Her husband is incredibly strong in his faith, as are her children.

The funeral was a celebration.  It was upbeat.  Everyone knows where she is and how whole she is.  Everyone knew of her faith.  Distraught was not the emotion of the day.  While sadness and heaviness were present, no one seemed to have lost their heart to complete brokenness.

But that is not what I was going to say.  I was going to say that Sheri is an Esther. She was ready for such a time as this.  She wasn't afraid of facing what may kill her because she knew that her God would be there for her, no matter what His will was.  I was going to say that she knew and accepted that healing may come in life after death.  Remember how long it took for me to get thru that?  I'm not entirely sure I am completely thru it but at least I understand it better.  It's a wonder why that ending is regarded as the worst, when the reality is that it is the best; for all of us. Why do I spend time scared of Heaven?  Ridiculous.  Of course it isn't really being scared of Heaven, it's being scared of leaving family and friends.  It's being scared of their grief and missing the future you've always dreamed of having with them.

During the funeral I had thoughts about what I didn't know about Sheri and how we weren't really friends, but shared life when we needed or wanted to.  I wasn't feeling guilt about that and I think that was because I did what she wanted.  She had a great friend and church and family base and wasn't in need of more support like that.  But we understood that we both had a small part in each others lives, if only to love each others daughters, and occasionally complain to and encourage each other.  I kid you not, during the talk the pastor said there were some gifts people could give to Sheri now, and one of them was to let go of 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' and just be.  I don't know how freeing that was for some people but I know it had to be freeing for some.  Regrets are haunting.  Regrets about someone who has died must be absolutely horrifying.  I can hear myself saying to people 'I wish I coulda….' and I've heard so many others say the same.  If you have one of those moments, then do it!  Just freaking do it.  I think that will be one of my new goals; to move, do, go when those feelings come to me.  I understand that there are times in life when we can't do- especially in mine and we need to give ourselves a break at those times. When we have no excuses, when our heart says do, pay attention to that prompting of the Holy Spirit.  Maybe the regrets are because we didn't listen to our God.

Today I learned that Sheri and I had a lot in common, an awesome family, friend and church base that are supportive and loving in so many ways, and an intense love of pink and chocolate.  I think we coulda, woulda, shoulda been better friends, but I have no guilt because she was so loved.

And so am I.  Thank you so very much loving well.

On almost 6 years

I've been spending the last 2 days updating my blog with my old entries from my LHH.  I've been wanting to have the 'whole' story all in one spot, mostly so I don't loose it!
Looking back at some of the entries I actually remember writing them.  I remember the feelings of being scared, of waiting, of all of the firsts.  I remember being scared to write and share!  I shared so many boring numbers with you-but I was sharing and that was HUGE for me.  Hard to believe now, but sharing wasn't and still isn't a strong suit of mine. Quite a bit has changed hasn't it.
Remembering my hair falling out and the whole wig debacle! Such a very bad day that was.  I remember being so self conscious about being bald.  Now I just walk around bald and don't feel weird about it.  I remember the looks I got from people, the lack of eye contact.  Now it just doesn't bother me and see it as their issue, not mine.  However I will talk about it when asked.
It's been almost 6 years friends!  So much has changed.  My fear level still lurks around my brain but it doesn't have complete access.  And the fear I have intermittently is not based as much on not knowing. It's more about being worried about the future, or about getting breast cancer, or about the month of May, or about traveling while the kids are here, or about making memories.
I've heard myself wish for, complain about and wonder why I don't get the miracle of healing.  It's very evident that since I am alive today, I have gotten a miracle.  Not many of us make it past 5 years.  So Dear Lord, thank you.
I've learned a lot about food and eating better, exercise although it isn't something I like, vitamin C and hyperbaric treatment.  Right now I'm still exhausted so very easily when energy is exerted because… well for pete's sake it's only been 2 months since my last chemo, and those 5 rounds were very difficult on my body.  Gotta love the cumulative effect. I've learned to just be, to enjoy, to live as normally as possible.  I did get a bit of good news last week tho, my CA125 only rose 4 points and that is just such a relief.  If you remember what the plan is, when my number raises to a certain point (yet unknown, but we'll pretend it's 170) I'll have to have a dose of chemo, just one, then wait again for the number to rise…repeat, repeat, repeat hopefully for many years!  As crazy as all this sounds, it's a relief.  Why is this more doable in my mind?  I truly have no idea.  I have no idea when I'll have to be 'dosed', I'm just waiting…. And I'm ok with that.  Growth?  Gosh I hope so.
I'm feeling like I can make plans for the future.  That's freedom right there.
I'm feeling like the bone pain will go away when I can move!  Hurry spring.
I'm feeling like I can help again.
And I have some serious spring cleaning issues right now.
I'm feeling like I can hope again, believe more fully, and build my relationship with Jesus back up.

Thank you for praying for me.  I'm feeling again, which is better!

Go away 2013

After a year of being on some sort of medicine or chemo for this chronic disease of mine I am very ready to face a new year with better understanding of it, of me, and of living within the boundaries of love and acceptance, faith and hope and belief.  It's been a trying, difficult, painful, numbing year, yet somehow amazing slipped in and out throughout it all.
The highlights?  Well having Barbara here with us, Abbi graduating and her party, Austin getting his varsity letter, Jayson's birthday party that was 4 months late, and being able to chat on FB with my Chilean daughter, Nellely.  My family and friends who did what they could to help me through my storm, our storm.
I have watched more TV than I care to tell, let my kids be on any electronic device more than I ever thought I would allow, done less cleaning- just done less than ever.  I call it resting and recuperating.  I don't really know how to negotiate what that looks like, what the line is between less stress, exercise, keeping life real, being overly tired and overly out of shape along with overly steroided, causing some weight gain.  That just makes me super mad!
Tim and I got to spend an hour with Dr. Hicks last week.  We got so much information, perfect timing I must say.  There is a lot to tell you.  First of all I get to take a break from chemo.  My CA125 is 41- where it's been hovering for the last few months.  That will be my new normal and that's ok.  I kinda had that figured out.  For the next several months my Dr. will be tracking my CA125 monthly so that he can figure out what my plan of action, my maintenance schedule will be.  It's going to take some time, and some roller coaster rides, but in the end, a PLAN!!  To know me is to know I like to at least have a little bit of knowledge about what is next for me.  Playing these last few months as 'wait and see' was hard- I know it was hard for you too.  Basically the plan will reveal itself in the numbers.  When my CA gets high then I'll have a treatment and it will go back to it's new normal.  Yes probably only one treatment, probably 4-6-8 months apart; it is another 'wait and see' until my pattern is established.  For today, I am so happy and relieved about it.  One treatment every few months- piece of cake.  I get to recover then live life.  More good news is that I am still on the first line of defense chemo, I have no symptoms, and people can live like this for 20+ years.
Not only will we have a plan, but we have his blessing to go and see what other places are offering.  This is almost too hard to explain, but some institutions my have found a protocol that has proven to work and is approved for those specific doctors in that institution to use as a standard of care- but the information about those approaches do not have to be shared or approved by FDA or NCI….. So some investigations will also take place.  He's totally open to it! As long as treatments aren't' harmful he's all for them.  I love my doctor.
2013 tested me and my head and my heart to the core.  It shook me, it taunted with my beliefs, it played games with my head and heart daily.  I have been unable to read much, because my head can't concentrate, but that includes reading God's word or books about him.  I am hoping that I can truly do some resting in his hands while I leave my health in the hands of my doctor (and me), trusting that God is in the middle.  I have great hope that once my body and mind recover from the chemo poisoning that I will be able to once again concentrate- on anything else but me.  I'm so over me.  I want to concentrate on others again.
So the new year begins and I need a resolution- I don't really.  I never really got into that simply because they never seems to happen.  A suggestion was to choose a word that you would like to become better at displaying, or living as….

I've had these tiles for years, in my 'Christian Kitchen'.  They've been there so long I forgot what they said.  I was thinking about what my word could be, having little to no luck and then I remembered these.  I re-read them and decided that Victory, with it's definition is definitely how I need to be walking each day.  Then I read trust; do I even need to re explain how little trust in the Lord I have had?  Cast…. Again, many of you know that 'casting' isn't a strong suit of mine.  I've gotten much better but who on earth doesn't need to do that better.  Then Jesus: he's the same yesterday and today yes and forever.  In my recent life, in this battle, He hasn't seemed the same.  He's seemed distant many times, stingy with the healings being prayed for, dare I say seemingly uncaring. (This is about me and my messed up 'ness')  My head knows so much more than this heart can understand, which is good.  I know none of those are true about Jesus.  I know he is kind and loving and that the prayers are being answered.  I selfishly want, for my myself and others, the miracle of healing here on earth.  Like 4 years ago.  So I will work on seeing Him as the same, always.  I will take some time and identify His characteristics so I can speak them when I see them.

So here's how I'll word it- completely backward…. Jesus who is always for me, always loves me, wants me to cast all anxiety's on Him because He cares.  I will trust Him with all my being so that I can walk each day in the victory that belongs to Him, and because I belong to Him, it belongs to me.

For now, that is my update, my life change, my commitment for growth.

Thank you all for your love and prayers. Here's to 2014.

Much love,

Vicki

My answer

The question this morning was do you respond in difficult situations with despair or resolve.  My answer was YES of course.  I can't do anything the simple way,

We learned a new word: Chazaq -
1. To find strength, to be strengthened, to grip harder
2. To continue on
3. To fix what was broken
4. To take courage, to add resolve

Good word.

This last round of chemo went so much better for me.  My dear friend had dinners covered, fruit salads covered, and spent so much time with me.  It was so much better than the last round.  I even asked friends and family to come and spend time with me.  That may sound simple but it isn't for me.  Easier than it used to be but still not easy.

One statement shared was get on the path with him.  In other words, God has us all on different paths, many different paths within our lifetimes.  Sometimes I look and find a different path to be on for a while.  That's always a nice reprieve.  I love being able to help others and when I can it gives me such great feeling of normalcy.  Sounds so simplistic.  But when your normal is not good, some old normal feels really good.  But my path is not simplistic, happy and fun.

So this path I am supposed to be on with God, of faith, is just not what I want to do.  But in the same moment I have to and I know it.  Don't know where it leads, don't know when it ends, and don't know who it affects, but it's  a path I have to be on.  

I'm going to choose faith to live. (might even choose it as a tattoo.)  Today I found out the my CA 125 did go down- but only from 51 to 49.  That's a little disturbing.  Down is good tho- so I am focusing on that.  However it also means that I have to do more chemo.  Surprisingly I am fairly calm about it.  I am hoping it isn't because of things going on in my head but because it just is what it is.  You need not know about this head of mine.

But today, even tho I know I have to have chemo, I am very relieved that my number went down a bit.  It's been a while.  I also called Cancer treatment Centers.  Tim and I will be going in January probably.  It's been 3 years of looking into it and calling and thinking and blah blah blah.  I think it's a good move, to hear more options, to find out more about naturopath chemo and nutrition, which I kinda already know about but have a hard time following.  

I am hoping that my handling this better this time means my faith is blooming again.  Oh how I've missed that.  I appreciate so much your prayers for me to have more faith.  I feel like I'm ready to fight and ready to do what needs to be done.  I'm still struggling with feeling like the end is so very near, but somehow my faith is overtaking the negative thoughts.

I know it's a lot to take in.  I know it isn't fun.  And my head is so full of both good and bad questions and answers.

God is pulling back up to the front.  Thank you God.  May the peace I feel right now continue.