Kitchen Quotes

My kitchen has become my very favorite room. We were recently able to put in the most gorgeous granite counter tops. This after 10 years of an actual hole in the countertop due to moving cupboards around when the flooring got put in. I actually stopped noticing it. So did the people who spent the most time here! Now that's just sad. We also got to have the rest of the baseboards painted, took down a cupboard and it has just become my little spot. I even moved my computer in here. It's where I have my ipod playing my Christian tunes. It's my Christian room. Do you have one too?
On every wall there is something that has a bible verse on it. It's the room that is completely filled with truth and love. I have inspirational sayings like REJOICE and CELEBRATE LIFE and DELIGHT IN THE BEAUTY THAT SURROUNDS YOU an LIVE EVERY MOMENT, LAUGH EVERY DAY, LOVE BEYOND WORDS which is a picture frame and has a picture of Tim and I in it. It is the picture you see on my home page. I also have a wall hanging explaining GRACE as THE OVERFLOWING BLESSINGS AND GENEROUS FAVOR THAT COME FROM THE HAND OF GOD.
I also have bible verses, in my plants, on wall hangings, on my divet, on my windows.... I have Proverbs 24:3,4: By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established, and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. Proverbs 21:31: Victory belongs to the Lord. Proverbs 3:5: Trust in the Lord with all your heart. 1Peter 5:1: Cast all your anxiety upon Him because He cares for you. Hebrews 13:8: Jesus is the same yesterday and today and yes forever. And Psalm 18:30: As for God, His way is perfect.
Impressive isn't it....
Some new ones I bought today: WHERE THERE IS LOVE THERE IS LIFE; LIVE, LOVE LAUGH (I actually did not have that one yet); SHARE FAITH, OFFER PRAYER, GATHER HOPE.
That last one I found quite interesting. Gather hope. Like it isn't just something you can run out and grab. You have to take time and gather it. Gathering is always faster when you have some help. I like to gather with my friends. But until I read that I never really saw that when I get to do that I am filled with more hope, and love, and usually laughter. Hope is something that takes time to accumulate, time to believe, and time to share. Without hope, you can't love, laugh, or live a joyful life. Without hope you can't Rejoice. Without hope you can't see the love that is lavished on us from Jesus. All the verses above- they all express hope: hope for victory, trust, caring, perfection (thru Jesus only), and for family.
When you gather together, don't forget to bring the hope that sustains you. Don't forget to share it. Hope is a cornerstone of your faith, and faith is the only way to love and live life fully.
I have found a new life verse- for now.... "Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ." Ephesians 5:2 and I am going to get a tattoo that shows that verse. I am thinking a ring tattoo. That won't be too crazy when I am old. I envision a heart bursting with the blossoms of hope- one pink, for my breast cancer survivor friends, one teal for my ovarian cancer survival, and one red, for heart disease- in remembrance of my Sweet Sue. The heart stands for the life of love, the blossom for the hope in Christ.
I wish my kitchen was as Christian as it appears, and that all the conversation was just lovely and worthy and full of the love of Jesus. But I have 2 teenagers, and an 8 year old. The kitchen is a place of action- wrestling matches, food fights, yelling, crying and laughing. It is definitely not all Christian all the time. But of course neither am I. I know, I had you fooled didn't I?
Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love. That's because without Faith and Hope, you can't love.
Believe, Hope, and Love will be sure to follow.
Believe the truth, Hope in Jesus and His Love will carry you.
Believe that the Faith you have and the Hope that comes from it will fill your heart with the Love that only Jesus can provide you with.
Love is the greatest of these, because it can be the hardest to do.
Love well my friends. And they will know you are a Christ Follower; a Jesus Freak; and Bible Thumper.
I can live with those perceptions.

The Season of NOISE!

We went out to dinner tonight, a nice time with just Tim and Jay and I. Abbi and Austin were too teenagery to want to join us, so we left them. HA!

We went to a local restaurant where there 23 big flat screen televisions, more individual tv's on some tables, and 3 HUGE screen tv's. On each tv was a sports show or a news show, not every tv had a different show. It is the perfect ADD restaurant. I looked around an noticed not a single tv tuned to a conservative station at all. And the noise level was astounding. And two smokers had to put their cigarette butts in an ashtray outside our window, looked at me, and I just wanted to point to my head and say 'hey, that causes cancer and cancer sucks", which I have been known to do.

This time of year has so much stuff to do. There's just so much that I don't think anyone can come out of it unscathed by the stress and anxiety of having family and friends over or attending work functions, or going to friends and families houses. While it's beautiful, it's also crazy.

23 tv's. Different stations. Loud. Add a tv at the table to keep the youngsters entertained and you have the perfect environment to pick a tv and watch it instead of talking with your spouse. Now that's not what we did but you could watch people doing that. It was overwhelming. The noise. Oh my goodness.

But it got me thinking about the noise in our lives. I have friends and family going thru so much that sometimes I can't even hear the needs of myself or my own family. Marriages unravelling, friends/acquaintances having to go thru cancer treatments, friends suffering from extreme loneliness an depression, friends who need medications to cope with their bi polar tendencies who won't get the help they need, friends who have lost their spouse. It's so noisy.

I got to turn the noise down a bit this afternoon when I lunched with 3 friends, relaxed, did an 'easy' craft and then left to get stuff for a friend, go to Jays class for Santa Shop, run home to do some more laundry, not have to cook (YAY), having the kitchen completed for us (YAY) but running straight back into the noise.

This is supposed to be a season of rejoicing and loving and caring and giving. That is not noisy. Where does the stress come from when we are celebrating the birth of our Jesus. How is that stressful? We have to decorate, we have to get the tree out, we have to put up the lights, we have to, we have to, we have to.....

What we have to do is sit and read the story. Sit and absorb the GIFT that was given to us. Sit and contemplate that the birth led to the life, led to the ministry, led to the miracles, led to the betrayal, led to the death, led to the resurrection and leads to our salvation. That is not noise. That is the ocean waves against the sea shore, the raindrops on the roof, the roses in the garden, the deer walking thru the yard. It should be natural for us to want to sit and contemplate the deepest gift of love ever given, a birth with a mission and purpose designed by God. A son born to die to live so we can live. That is what this is about.

When the noise gets too loud and you can't hear the truth, sit down and contemplate the most love ever given to you. It is truly an amazing gift. Don't miss it. Don't let it escape. You can't buy it but you can give it. Go and share that love and spread what this season is really about. The birth of a savior who is Christ our King. It is CHRISTmas time. Merry Christmas.

Love well, love many, and love for keeps.

About Care

After the sermon on Sunday, a sermon that really affected me, a sermon I thought might take some time to work out in my head- I had to practice it that evening.

Caring is a trait even I can admit is something I enjoy and can do. I can do it well, and I can do it halfhearted. But caring has been a part of my heart for forever, even before Christ took over my heart.

Our sermon was on caring, bringing us to the parable of The Good Samaritan. Do you realize that the first two people to pass this injured bleeding man on the side of the road was a Priest and a Levite- the two highest powers in the earthly church- a pastor and a church leader.... passed him by. The people who should be the most caring to others in need passed him by. To show the humanity in even the highest ranks of the 'church' we find out that they don't stop because the hurt person was from Jerusalem- a person unworthy of their help. Unthinkable that men of the clothe could assume themselves so much better than a layperson of a different race. The way it was explained really was sickening. But the man who did stop and help was the man who had a reason to hate the hurt man. A Samaritan. He saw the need, the life and death need of that man and he helped him. He fixed him up as good as possible then paid for his room for a couple days and care from the roomkeeper AND said he would be back to give more money if it was needed.

Caring costs us.

I've learned to care more deeply and more passionately because of how me and my family were cared for by you. Thank you friends.

But more than that my children have seen caring in action and they have learned to care also. It's kind of like a monumental parenting moment when you see that they get it- how to care. Now Abbi has always shown care and concern for people, shed tears over people and bad situations. She can understand how people feel. But now it's Austin's turn.

On Sunday evening we found out that one of his best friends dad died. Mark was a kind and gentle man and he and his son Aaron were quite close. Austin and Aaron have been friends since first grade. Lots of history, lots of fun, lots of hanging out with the family. Kinda like brothers that get along! Aaron wanted to have some time with Austin just to have some normalcy. So we went over sunday evening and spent some time with my friend Laura and Aaron. They played xbox- dah- and Laura and I talked. But I watched Austin step up and be ready to care. When I told him what happened and that Aaron wanted to see him he was ready. I didn't have to explain the importance of friendship, of how hard that night would be, of how mixed the emotions of the whole family would be. He just was ready. He also got to spend the next day with him and Aaron's uncle just hanging out. I emailed all of Austins teachers explaining the situation and that if Aaron needed Austin then I wanted and Austin wanted to be able to be there. I was so surprised by the positive responses from them. But that is a side issue. The point is that he cares and to see it happen in front of your eyes is so amazing. My kids are awesome and some of it has to do with what they have witnessed from you, me, and their friends.

Caring costs. It takes time and energy and often money to care properly for someone in crisis. If we can take that first step and walk into their crisis, we will be able to care. If we hang back and just watch, we can't really help or care for them. Now who would walk past a family whose father and husband just died? Let me make it more challenging and add that he committed suicide. Now can you walk past? It's easier isn't it because the death just got so much harder, the caring got so much more committed.

Isaiah 58:10-11 says: If you take away the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness. If you extend your soul to the hungry and satisfy the afflicted soul, then you light shall dawn in the darkness and your darkness shall be as the noonday. The Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your soul in drought, strengthen your bones; you shall be like a watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

In other words, if we will pick up and help with the problems of others without judgement and pour our soul into their lives, then the light of our Lord will shine thru us. We don't have to worry about doing things 'right' because God will guide us and keep us strong enough to continue with caring for others. We will be rejuvenated with Gods love and care in our soul so we will always have enough love to care.

So I say again, Love on. And on and on and on and on and don't stop because you are scared. Your strength, your words, your hug, your meal might be the source of light that penetrates their soul. You might be one of many that bring the love of Jesus to them and makes the difference in their lives and salvation.

Caring deeply,

Vicki Pocket

The Truth Is...

It is always so good to go to my ladies bible study. Getting to know and growing with others ladies is really a great way to spend some time. Thursday is bible study day for us at Macomb. We've been learning about idols in our lives and how they affect us and our relationship with Jesus. At the beginning of the study I thought one of my idols was fear. I learned that fear is not the idol, but the thing you fear is the idol. Wonderful- now my idol is cancer? Being healthy again? How messed up is that? But it sure does help to see it for what it is so I can get rid of it more quickly. It's not like I handle it well anyway, so please, take it all away sweet Jesus.

I got totally busted on Thursday tho. One sweet woman asked me how I am and how my blood work has been. I actually started to lie! Then I just came out with it to our table. I've been withholding information, from everyone except Tim. Reasoning? To not worry anyone. Why? Because obviously I have control issues. About 2 weeks ago I called to get the CA 125 results from the blood test I took right after the PET scan in September. I wasn't really concerned since the PET scan was totally clear, so I didn't call for the results until about 2 weeks after the blood draw. Turns out I just shouldn't have called. My number we 35, which is right on the border of normal. I cannot even explain the terror that went thru my body, mind and soul. I did talk to my awesome nurse and she simply restated that the PET was clear and obviously the blood work needs to be redone in 3 weeks (which is next week). And after we prayed for all the prayer requests I outed myself to the whole group. But that means extra prayer! And in fact they just stopped and prayed over me right then and there. It was so awesome. I even cried a bit, which is an accomplishment with the numbness I feel right now.

How do I feel about all this? Well, I'm not as scared as I was and I am NOT letting it control me. I will be a bit of a wreck next week but really, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change what that darn test is gonna say. Nothing. To be honest I am thinking about not even calling to get the results knowing they will call me if necessary. We'll see.

So, I am fine and I do feel good. I also really think the number went up a bit because of the infection in my port and all that medicine, and the PET scan and all that radiation. I guess we'll know next week. Until then it is life to it's fullest.

So many friends having so many tests. It's hard to not give cancer a place of horror in my life. Get behind me and my friends you beastly idol.

Thank you for loving and listening and asking questions. Sometimes the questions are prompts from God from you to me. To be clear, I do not mind answering question or talking about my cancer. (And normally I don't feel the need to lie!) She just asked the right question at the exact moment it needed to be asked. Thanks girl.

Vicki Pocket.

Remission

I have great news. On Thursday I found out that I am in remission. I came home from a wedding weekend to a decorated door with congratulations and balloons. So sweet!

My PET scan was completely clear. My follow ups will be monthly CA 125 blood test-the one that is a marker for Ovarian cancer. As long as that stays within normal range I'm good. PET scans will be every 6 months. I am however contemplating not doing them if my CA 125 is fine. So much radiation. I need to look into that more I suppose.

I am still feeling vulnerable and not really able to shake the feeling of fear of it coming back again. But as Shelly pointed out, that's ok. Every month with have it's little moment of anticipation and concern, but that is normal. I just need to figure out another new normal routine and what that looks like. My two word story was going to be SAFE? SAFE. I want to get back to feeling that again, in the middle of my circumstance. I want to get back to feeling safe no matter what the future holds. But for now I am still a bit frozen, not wanting to feel to excited about remission. Stupid, I know, but it is what it is and right now, that's what is.

Now it's time to get my heart back into shape, my body working out and getting strong for Chile. I want to be able to go there and not be breathless when exerting myself! Stupid chemo that I love.

So please don't stop praying. I actually have quite a few things I want to write about but haven't been able to process thru them. So hopefully I will be able to do that soon.

Thank you all for supporting me again. Here's to NOT doing it again!

Vicki Pocket

Hero's

I was asked a question yesterday that nearly made me grow silent. I was asked what it feels like to be a hero to so many people. I had to think about that.... My response was, if I am their hero then they aren't hearing my story correctly.

Then I realized that really this time around I have not been as vocal about the recurrence journey- I suppose because I am still wrestling with why this is happening again. I don't have a whole lot of positive feelings right now and I am struggling with why. I am really struggling with why. Like why my grandma has to see me like this again, bringing her to tears and upsetting her so. Why my parents have to watch me do this again. Why my friends have to see it again. And my kids- Seriously, once wasn't enough?

But then someone else said he didn't know why God has trusted me with this journey again, but he has. Strange to think of it as a trust issue. But I believe it is. I haven't been very trusting or willing to believe that He has me in the palm of his hands. I mean my heart knows, but my head is constantly arguing the point.

I can't be anyone's hero. I am flawed, mad, unloving, untrusting, and struggling to believe it's going to be ok. That's no hero. That's someone who needs a hero. My hero is first and foremost Jesus,even when my head thinks otherwise. Then my hero's are the others fighting a similar fight, trying to remain positive when their world is falling apart. Then my friends and family, who never leave my side until I say it is ok.

See, but Jesus knows it's never ok for him to leave my side- he will never leave me or forsake me. And although I may not feel forsaken, I do feel defeated. I feel like I wasn't strong enough, healthy enough, trustworthy enough to remain healthy.

I do know how it ends still- I win no matter what the road is before me. I just really hate this road and cannot understand why or how so many of us are on it. But all our roads will collide together one day. And we'll all be together, which is the way we like it anyway.

All this to say, don't look to me as a hero. I am just doing what I have to, what God expects me to do, and I'm not doing it all that well this time around. The heros are people who stand by me and walk with me. That's what real strength is. The hero who has already saved me from this is Jesus. Jesus and friends/family are who stand by me. Prayer warriors who stand by me. Many people I don't even know are praying for me. That's what a hero is.

But I am taking a huge leap of faith and have joined the team that is going to Chile this spring. Abbi, Austin and I are heading that way on a mission trip for 10 days and we are all pretty excited about it. So I guess I am trusting a bit- either that or thinking I can control how long I am healthy if I am going to Chile.... Just kidding- it is a trust thing for me. No, I do not have to get any shots but we do have to get passports! Exciting.

Thanks for being hero's.

Vicki

Keeping you up to date

CA125 is 25!! I wanted to keep you all up to date on my treatments. I met with my nurse last week- a meeting needed so very much. We talked a lot about the things I needed answers about and it was so good to be able to talk to her. She always makes me feel better and ready for the next step. The next step is that my CT scan was cancelled until my last chemo on the 23rd. Yes, one more, for a couple of reasons but mostly just because...and I am more than ok with that. Maybe this one more will keep me from any more in the future. Besides, it's what I expected and kinda what I want. After that I'll have a PT scan on Sept 19 and we'll go from there.

So many of you have been asking about the kids and I wanted to tell you that I know it's strange I don't have an answer for you when you ask. But I have a theory. I think because they know this is short term treatments they feel that it'll be over soon and that is that. And for now, that is fine since it is possible I won't have to have more treatments. Remission can last a long time! So life has been fairly normal for them. They see me down for a week but after that I am fairly normal. So I don't think they are overly stressed about this and know that it is short term and that my numbers are coming down and within normal range and that got me a few hugs! My kids are so sweet and have been quite helpful. In fact they painted the decks for our big Willey reunion and did a great job. I helped some, but since I don't do heat well they did most of it. And it is beautiful. I know they don't talk about me having cancer much because they believe it will be gone soon, and technically is right now. So that is how they are doing.

And I am doing good. I have a decent amount of energy and the chemo isn't bothering me too badly. It's just one week of yuck and I can take that! I do thank you for your prayers. Please don't stop. This is going to be my life- battling every now and again, or being in remission. Truth be told I've had to start on a different medicine to help me sleep. It does seem to be helping. My brain just never turns off. So my anxiety level is too high, of course. So hopefully sleep will help too! I like sleep.

And so many have been asking to help by bringing a meal, so this next chemo I accept your help and blessings. Remember tho that we are hard because of gluten free! No wheat (regular noodles, breaded items, bread, some seasonings) rye, oats or barley disguised as MALT. So if you feel up to it, great. If not, also great. Mommy is here to take care of me. I'll post it on the calendar.

Love you all so much.

Vicki