Saturday, October 18, 2014

About TIME

The song begs you to believe that time is on your side.  Gotta love songs.  Their lyrics and melodies bringing truth and life to your heart and soul.  Some lyrics giving you permission to act a certain way, to do certain things, to love the one you're with.  I can remember events just by hearing a song; takes me right back to the moment and the feelings.  Oh the 80's….

I hear people say so often that they can't wait until they get to heaven; how they can't wait until they leave this earth and are with Jesus.  I don't know if I am just not a strong Christian or what is wrong with me, but I am not in a hurry to leave this earth.  I really enjoy living here, in my house, with our trees and deer, with my babies and the love of my life.  I don't want to be away from my family and friends, my neighbors or my long distance friends.  I like Earth.  It's so big and I've done so little.

Time, it's not on our side.  Time keeps on slipping into the future.  Time slips away constantly.  That is it's purpose.  It's a countdown to something special, something important, something life changing.  It's the tune on the piano as you walk down the isle, step by step until you reach the alter and your beloved.  It's the minutes counting down the contractions until the baby is born.  It's putting aside a CT scan so you can go across the ocean to a country you've never been to so you can concentrate on the mission you are on there.  And sometimes time has to be stolen for an awesome family vacation to Disney, because for over 6 years of time, vacations have been close to impossible.  Cancer stole my time.

My perspective on time has changed so very much since I became a person living with cancer.  I don't like to call myself a survivor, altho I have survived 5 times!  I'm more of a fighter.  God didn't make me an Aries for no reason at all.  My Ovarian Cancer will never be cured, unless God performs a miracle, so I have to learn to live with it.  It's been a long learning process.  I really dug in March 2011 when I went to Chile with my 2 oldest children.  Once I understood that they could come with me I literally decided with in 5 minutes that we were going.  I knew God wanted us there.  Tim has no desire to travel so he was going to help pay for it by working over time.  God had it covered tho.  We raised all the money we needed plus I got to help the team by donating money from my business.  It was so awesome!  I took some control over when my next testing would be.  I was due for a CT scan before I left to see if my cancer was still in remission.  I am one of those people that likes to know ALL of the facts, but I also knew myself well enough to know that if I had that test done I would be no help at all in Chile because I would be a blubber of worry.  So, I chose to do no testing until I got home.  I told TIME that it wasn't in charge of me for 10 days.  Ha, I told time how much time it had….


Aug. 7, 1993

Sometimes you just have to be a clown.
And sometimes the red won't wash out of your hair for weeks.

In spring of 2013 Abbi graduated.  My cancer had returned yet again and chemo was on the springtime schedule-or so they thought.  There was no way I was going to be ill for her graduation day or her party, so I told TIME I wasn't having chemo until after all of that.  Her party was on a Saturday and chemo was on Tuesday.

Then there's this year- what a year.  Two visits to the Mayo Clinic and another recurrence.  But this time the news was much worse.  Tumors, ascites, no clinical trials for me, but chemo just around the corner.  That was the beginning of August.  Everyone deals with bad news in different ways.  I need time to digest, learn and understand as much as possible.  The pressure to start chemo right away was pretty heavy.  I wanted to wait until the kids were in school.  I let TIME rule, and pressure, and scheduled for the 3rd week in August.  But God….turns out that He does know me.  I ended up with an extra week due to a test I had to have before beginning my new chemo treatments.  GOD told TIME it had to wait.

So now, life is back to the chemo schedule.  Thankfully this chemo is not as rough on me.

Time…It's not on your side.  Take time to make time, make time to be there…..  What is your there?  Is there something  you want to do but feel as if there is a certain amount of time that needs to pass before you can?  Waiting until the right time to move?  To go to college?  To get engaged or married?  To travel?  To have a baby?  Why wait?  (Well wait to have the baby until you are married, please-and wait to have sex until you are married, please:)

I don't have time to waste.  For me it's a fact of health.  For others it's just a fact of life.  None of us know when our time is up.  So live well.  If you know, that you know, that you know God is in charge of the 'thing' then do what He says.  There's no time requirement on anything.  God doesn't say we have to wait a distinct amount of time to get engaged or married, or to have babies.  There's no time requirement.  If God says yes, then do it.  Just do it.  You'll feel empowered and obedient all at the same time.

I have a different take on time… time is precious and I'm choosing to use it for precious people doing things, going places, visiting, forgiving, asking for forgiveness, accepting, helping, walking with others, who are precious to me.  Cancer may have taken some time from me, changed how I can live my life physically, but it can't take my will or my faith or my Jesus from me.  Oh it's tried-and won once or twice.  Thank you Lord for forgiving me.  Thank you for the TIME I have here on Earth.  And thank you for the time I will someday have with you.

Revelation after writing this:  Nothing can take time away.  Our day is our day.  My day is my day.  I simply have to learn how to live out my time differently than I thought I would get to.  So careful listening to Him and responding and doing what He says.  First thing… vacation!  Time well spent.  A whole new blog just waiting to be written.

click to watch a video.  I'm the bald one, doing what I had to do….