Somehow

So my second to last treatment was last Tuesday. Tim came with me which was nice since he doesn't always get to come because of work. We got to see Chris, our NP and she is doing well. You might include her in your prayers as she lost her husband about 2 months ago to prostate cancer. Younger guy, 45 or so. But she is a believer and is pressing on and caring for those of us that love and need her. I am one of the only patients that knows- somehow we just clicked right away and sorta blobbed our whole stories out there for each to know. Some how of course being God. He is the some how so many times.

Some how we were in the waiting room with an oncology nurse who was about to find out if she had Ovarian Cancer. She was a trip. But she talked boldly about her faith and shared that and angel had told her she had cancer, then came back and told her it was gone. I know she was one week from her hyterectomy. I choose to believe that her angel was real and telling the truth.

Some how I was sitting next to a newly diagnosed older woman with ovarian cancer. How all this came up is that a woman sitting across from me, waiting for our chair, had on a cap that was white with the teal ribbon and HOPE written thru it. Not often you see Teal ribbons- but that is another soap box. I asked her about it and it turns out her daughter had them made when she was diagnosed and that they were in fact running in a marathon in her honor. She was supposed to go but had to start chemo again. 10th treatment. She looked good and we didn't talk deep, but having to do a little more probably is not the best. But then the conversation started with the woman next to me who showed me the coolest bead made of glass and a teal ribbon inside of it. Beautiful indeed. She was on her second treatment, which means she had just lost her hair, but was fairing pretty well. I did ask what stage her cancer was and she said she doesn't know and doesn't want to know. Funny how different we all can be. Here I am wanting to know all the answers to my questions, and here she is with no questions, just blindly following. I understand it, though. The more you know the scarier it is for sure. She just said it didn't matter because she was going to whoop it anyway.

You just don't find a bunch of Ovarian Cancer people all in the same place, even in the chemo room. Some how arranges that for you some times.

Plus, the girls all but told me that I am getting the study drug. I mean we already felt secure that we were, but its nice to have a little confirmation. And on that lovely note, I only have one left. One more treatment that can wipe me out. One more round of constipation. One more round of mouth weirdness. One more month of eating without an appetite or much taste. But I am so excited that the medicine was mine. I am so excited that I will be followed so carefully for the next 2 years. Every 3 months a CT scan- yes, I know what they do to me, but I will not complain. I am being watched more carefully. That is a blessing. And, I may just be able to get this port out soon. Maybe right after that last treatment. Then you know what is next, right?? The tattoo! Oh yes I am! I think a Heart, with JESUS JUICE on the right side, and LIVES OUT LOUD on the left- we'll see. Ideas would be valued.

As for Polly- she's kind of a normal every day presence here at our home. She kinda doesn't know when to go to bed! And she's been making me go like a maniac. But I really enjoy her. She's the cool I never could be!!

Some how WILL get you thru.

Love to you all.

Vicki- Volly- Pocky- HMMM, how do we combine that one?

Fireproof

Our home group just watched Fireproof. It wasn't quite as hokey the second time around. So much anger in that movie- such a beautiful resolution to it all. Sometimes, saying 'I'm sorry' goes a very long way.

We had fun being together- ate way too much blueberry jello. Which just adds to my identity crisis since I don't like stuff in my jello. Just give me jello, none of that fancy stuff. Well, now that opinion is just blown wide open!! Loved it.

So the identity crisis you ask. Well, a few things. Now that I highlighted my hair I look like my middle sister. Which is wonderful. If I were to let it grow longer and keep up the highlights I would look like my youngest sister. See, I always had that one critical characteristic that made me me- the curly hair. I was the sister with the curly hair. That's it. Also the oldest, but whatever on that one. Sometimes the new normal is kinda hard.

Since my last treatment I just haven't been myself. Not sure why, can't quite seem to get to the bottom of it. I want to be busy, but I want to sleep. I want to be with people but I want to stay home. I want to cook dinner, but I don't. It's like a motivation factor. Motivation has never really been an issue. Of course it could just be that I feel like crap and I keep having coughing attacks and maybe should get a chest xray- but I don't wanna.

What also is stressing me out is this lack of raw emotion. Man, I was the queen of crying or reacting to something terrible or wonderful. Now just not so much. I feel horizontal- no ups, no downs. I just am. I mean I can get my game on at times, but I don't have the stamina anymore to keep it up. Not even with the school board, and you all know how that is going.

I suppose it has been a rather overwhelming year for me and my family and maybe I need to just let that settle in. i just want normal back, but I haven't defined what that is. Kinda goes back to the whole waiting game. Now I'm waiting to see who I am and what I am capable of. I have figured out that I am much more outspoken and opinionated. Like, maybe too much. So feel free to stop me if necessary.

Kids are doing great in school as far as I know. Austin is playing football for the first year and that is giving me a heart attack. Abbi is in the high school and seems to be faring well. She is going to help with back stage scenes for the play. That is good. I just want her involved. Although stage people..... so judgemental I am.

I hope I am fireproof. I feel like I continually have to fight to keep myself in check. I want to be able to live thru this again if necessary. Not by my will, but by my Lords. Maybe that is it- I am not flying on his wings and that is what I need to do. Eagles Wings.

Ok, then it must be time for me to fly (hear REO Speedwagon here)

Love to you all.

Fingers

I can run my fingers thru my hair now. It's kinda cool. I wake up and I have bed head again. Now that is beautiful. And my hair has gone from dry to and bit oily. So many changes, they never seem to stop. Highlights are next!

I get to fight new fights now. Fights with school boards, fights for the children, fights for a healthy marriage. I like those fights. I don't even think about cancer every day, at least not in a fearful way. I don't know if I am following the process I am supposed to follow, if there is such a thing. But what is strange is that I fully expect to have cancer again- that is just what the research says. For some reason it has snuck back in on my thoughts not really as fear, although I also notice that I don't feel my emotions quite the same as I used to. And maybe that just takes time.

Life is pretty normal now. I get to serve again, although sometimes the motivation is overtaken by tiredness or doubt.

I have only 3 study treatments left, one being tomorrow. I hope it doesn't knock me on my butt again

I think today thoughts of cancer happened too often. Too many people, to many different reactions, too many changes that need to be made. Sometimes the journey seems unreal and like it didn't happen. Other times the scars are obvious. I've found that people are afraid to ask questions about my cancer-I am always willing to answer whatever I can.

So on to my treatment tomorrow and whatever it may bring. Hopefully a lunch with a long lost friend.

Life is precious, short, and should be lived fully each day, within Gods plans.

Courage

Courage hardly ever roars. It comes in quiet waves, from deep within the heart, urging it to continue on.

Courage is a strength, a choice, to have some peace, if for only a moment.

Courage is never continual, it is gradual and inconsistent. Courage is love for others, hope for self, and belief that faith is real.

Courage is hard work.

Courage does not sound like a lion, although it may look like a lion to others on the outside.

Courage is continuing to do what you know is right even in the face of adversity, or bad numbers, or no support, or a jerk of an ex husband.

Courage is following thru on your promises.

Courage is trusting, both people and God to meet your needs. Courage is being the hands and feet of God, even when it doesn't seem we have the energy or finances to do so.

Courage is fighting against all odds for the rest of the time God has for you here on Earth.

Courage is facing your immortality-I mean looking at its eyes and saying yes, I know you exist.

Courage is knowing that time will come.

Courage is not knowing when, how or why.

Courage is going every week for blood work and waiting for answers, every treatment waiting for the reactions, every fight waiting for the anger, every bill waiting for the money.

I see courage everywhere and it never is screaming loudly. It is silent and soft spoken, there for others to see if they take the time to look. The young mother with 3-4 kids at the store. COURAGE! The sister who leaves her abusive husband and fights for her kids. COURAGE. The mother of a child with learning problems like autism, CP, ADHD, OCD and all of that. COURAGE to let them go. Pastors who tell us some of what we need to change about ourselves, and themselves. COURAGE.

Courage is an inner battle between giving up and stepping up. Courage is that fight to regain control over your fear, even though you are accepting that there is no control. Courage is believing "Do not fear" and "Fear Not". Courage is meeting with that person you know is hurting but you feel you don't know what to say. Oh please, go to that person and do not fear the words you think are necessary. Sometimes silent support is what is needed. Go, not fearing conversation. That will come naturally, even in those unnaturally horrible circumstances.

Courage is living life. God gives us the grace to have courage. Jesus is our courage and fought the fight for us. All we need do is follow in his foot steps.

Be strong and courageous do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you.

I found my life verse yesterday. So many times it has been read, just proving that no matter how many times you read the Bible, because of life circumstances it will bring something new to the table.

Acts 20:24

I don't care about my own life. The most important thing is that I complete my mission, the work that the Lord Jesus gave me- to tell people the Good News about God's grace.

Paul was one of the most courageous of all. Walking into danger with each new mission. Knowingly walking into danger. Maybe it is easier walking into it knowing it is there. Maybe it is easier having it thrust upon you unknowingly. I've done both now. Neither easy, both life changing.

But that is another story.

Love,

Vicki

What a year can bring

It is somewhat ironic that last year a niece was married in mid July, 4 days after my port was put in, one week before my chemo treatments began. A picture from that wedding is what I carry around to remind myself of what used to be. In it I looked scared, understandably so. But my hair was curly!! In my head the thoughts were a jumble- I was so glad to be there yet so scared about this journey I had to go on. And if you remember getting my port put in was one of the hardest, most 'this is real' days. Having the port put in made cancer real. But having a wedding to go to made life real, and proved it continued on.

This year, another wedding in mid August. i have straight hair. I got to wear the shirt I actually bought for the first wedding but wouldn't wear because it showed my port! My how far my feelings on that have come. Mr. port helped to save my life, so I show him off regularly. He is a part of my body now- hopefully a short while and hopefully never again, yet still an important part of all the cancer journey was and is about.

This wedding I was able to relax a lot more. I held babies (dah) and danced with Jayson, and smiled a real smile, and visited and hopefully looked as good as I feel.

Aron spoke of races, and running our race. I feel I have run my race, received my purple heart, and am ready to move on to the next race. I don't feel a lot of emotional damage from this. I am not sure if that is me lying to myself, although that is certainly not something I do often, or if I really am just ready to put cancer behind me until the next time. Yes, I do feel a next time will happen, don't really know why- but me and that darn intuition of mine.....

So I call this race run- won by the grace of God and some really great medicine. Won because I can smile and continue on. Won because although my hair is dark and straight I still love it. But this race is done. I am not sure what the next race is. I think it might be dealing with High School!! Maybe the entire district that is getting so messed up. Who knows but God, but I am sure he'll let me know when he wants me to know.

So when you see me, see my health. I don't have cancer anymore. I am not nervous anymore. I still have a terrible memory and my tinnitus keeps me from hearing whispering, but all in all a successful race.

Moving on.... to a tri- um doubtful. The marathon was enough for me.

Moving on.....

Polly and Vicki

Love is an action

Love really is an action, not just a feeling. That is what I learned yesterday, and had the night to reflect on.

Love is an action when people bring you meals during a time of severe hardship.

Love is an action when you are able to help someone financially.

Love is an action when you drop everything to go and help someone whose car broke down.

Love is an action when you travel 5 hours to see a beautiful niece marry a great guy.

Love is an action when you choose to play in the water park with the kids instead of sitting at the table drinking coffee.

Love is an action when you volunteer your time to church or community outreach.

Love is an action when you reach out to teens.

Love is an action when you reach out to your own teen.

Love is an action when you choose to NOT yell at the one you love most.

Love is an action when you tell that love something difficult to hear with loving words and encouragement.

Love is an action when you work on keeping friendships vital and alive.

Love is an action when you walk for 3 days to raise money for cancer research. Next year, a personal action.

Love is an action when you obey- whether that is parents, spouses or Christ.

Love is an action when we do what we are being asked by our loving Father.

The greatest act of love is inconceivable to us all: giving the life of a child for the salvation of all who accept Him as Lord and Savior.

Love is a decision. Love is a feeling. Love is an action.

Today is all about Love and figuring out even more ways to show it.

Thank you for springing into action and showing my family more love than we knew was available to us.

Now go out and shock someone else with the love that is so deeply imbedded in your hearts.

Let Jesus be the light and the source of that Love you bring to others.

Vicki

Double edged sword

On the one hand I am so glad to be able to not have cancer be what molds my life, on the other hand maybe it is supposed to- maybe I'm not letting it take over enough.

On the one hand I am so glad that it seems I am getting the study drug, on the other hand I want to complain about the side effects.

On the one hand I am so glad Abbi and Austin are back from camp, on the other hand- well man it was quiet.

On the one hand money is the root of all evil, on the other hand it gives opportunity for so many fun things to do.

On the one hand going on a make a wish trip sounds so great, on the other hand how can I even give it a thought when there are so many sick kids- I'm not sick.

On the one hand the gardens are beautiful, on the other hand they take so much work I am not sure they are worth it.

On the one hand I am eating better, on the other hand I'm not.

On the one hand I feel like I used to feel before cancer, on the other hand there is no more before.

On the one hand I really love how easy my hair is, on the other hand my curly hair was really easy, too.

On the one hand I want to continue to be strong and accepting of all the new things cancer has forced on me, on the other hand I want to swear and scream.

On the one hand I am so proud and excited for my friends who are doing the triathalon, on the other hand I feel incompetent- although I cannot run.

On the one hand I really want to go to Lifetime, on the other hand I just don't have time.

On the one hand I love babysitting, on the other hand- well I still love babysitting.

On the one hand I really love God, on the other hand I just cannot understand the pain and suffering of sick children.

On the one hand I loved being a teacher, on the other hand I love staying home.

On the one hand marriage is really great, on the other hand it is only great because of really hard work.

On the one hand I am healthy, on the other hand I never will be again.

On the one hand I am really happy and full of life and energy, on the other hand fear creeps in and robs my joy.

On the one hand I hate garage sales, on the other hand I love a garage you can put a car into.

On the one hand I love making new friendships and watching them grow, on the other hand good bye is just to hard.

On the one hand I love to laugh, on the other I think I'm getting too sassy and brash.

On the one hand family is sweet, on the other hand family is complicated.

On the one hand I didn't do anything wrong, on the other hand someone thinks I did.

On the one hand I love writing, on the other hand it feels imposed.

On the one hand I want to publish this, on the other hand it feels egotistical.

On the one hand I want to tell my God story, on the other hand I don't understand how anyone who didn't know me or go thru this with me could understand what these posts mean.

On the one hand there is always another....