Long Time

Well, my goodness it has been a while since I wrote. I realized I forgot to post last week when I had my treatment (study drug). Well, it went fine. It was my birthday so the nurses blew bubbles for me. Sweet girls they are. My CA125 is 27, which is just fine. I guess my number must be around that area and I can handle that. Still like to see that 0, but I'll take 27.

I am feeling pretty good. We had quite a lot of sickness go thru our house- that one week fever thing for Jay, then croup for Jay, then bronchitis for me and Austin along with sinus infections and fevers. Plus I found out that my hip pain is bursitus, so it is good to have an answer. That pain was running about an 8 most of the time and made me slightly cranky. But I got a shot and some meds and it is feeling better. We're all still coughing a bit, but that is just the way things are right now.

We are planning our first vacation since cancer struck us. We are heading to NC next week to see my sister, then heading to a great wolf lodge that is just opening in NC, and then we are going to Washington DC with Shelly's family. I'm so excited. Just to get away- into some sun and rejuvenate a little.

And this weekend is our ladies retreat- again with the excited. We always have so much fun and learn so much about each other. The last several years the talks have been from people in our own church which is so cozy and welcoming. What a bunch of stories we have- great testimonies, great memories. I just wish I could stay up as late as the rest of them! Oh well, maybe this year. And then Sunday is the Pistons game with the boys thru Upwards basketball. It will be nice to see all the families again. The kids get to do workshops and other activities before the game. Fun, long day that will be.

My hair is growing in quite straight. I feel so odd having straight, short hair. I don't know what to do with it, but I have to use some gel so it isn't so fuzzy and rabbit like! It is so strange not looking like myself, especially when I say hi to someone who hasn't seen me in a while. And I forget that I don't look the same. Strange phenomena. I have a lot of friends that I made this year and have only known me bald, and that is so strange too. Cancer makes the strange normal, and normal obsolete. But, that's ok and just the way it is. I suppose normal is just a state of mind anyway. (keep those comments to yourself) I think normal is overrated and perhaps doesn't even exist. Now constant change does exist. HMM.

I am thanking God for feeling good, for my friends and family, and for everyone who has been praying for me. Thank you for continuing on this journey. I am thanking God for family vacation. I am thanking God my husband has a job. I am thanking God that I got a 'normal' sickness. I am thanking God for love.

Much love,

Vicki

Nothing

So what do we write about when there seems to be nothing special happening? We're all sick- sinus infections, bronchitis, bersitus in my hip... But it wasn't pnemonia, or bone cancer or anything horrible. Poor Jay had croup, Abbi cough and sore throat but ok. Thankfully Tim has not been hit yet. What a wicked week.

My daughter turned 14! Someone please tell me how that happened. I think I was just pregnant with her, really.

I am ready for the vacation we never got to have last summer. That darn cancer made us miss out on a lot. Necessary, I know. So in April we are heading to NC to see my sister, then off to Great Wolf Lodge in VA and then 2 days in DC. I am excited to do some normal things, with hair on my head, and a fairly normal ability to keep up with everyone else. Cancer only ruined things for a little while. Praise God for these months of remission, and in advance for many more to come.

Tuesday comes with my study treatment, CA125 and all that. I'm glad it isn't another CT scan week. I am feeling normal because I am sick with a normal sickness- bronchitis and sinus infection. I actually felt worse on Wednesday than I did on chemo! Now that is bad. Be glad for your normal illnesses!

Well, it's time to give the normal springtime nebulizer treatments to the boys. I love spring, but not for what it does for them. Still not quite there, but I haven't spent any time in bad places lately. And that, my friends, is amazing. Don't quite feel like a butterfly, or a crocus, but watching the deer chase the crows and the crows trying to get the dead fish from the pond has reminded me to keep on continuing. Yep, continue on with life, forget what was missed and enjoy the now. All we have is now here on this earth. Past can take up way too much of our time, and our future is already set and waiting for us. So for now, I am.....

Almost There

I'm sitting here with my sweet sister in law, thinking about the day. I went to my friends' dads viewing today. The fun thing about viewings is finding friends from long ago and reconnecting even if it is for just a moment. Seeing all the sisters together today was really nice. Their house was the house of choice for hanging out. Great location, fun sisters, big sisters, crazy sisters, and even crazier friends. It turns out it was THE house to be at. So many people, so many memories of childhood and growing up. I think I was pierced more than once at that house. Just the ears.... I wish I had so many more memories with more people. But it was fun. But me and those girls, we have memories only we share!

I've heard so much about how much better I am looking and how cool my hair is and what a miracle I am. I've heard about feeling like it's a new beginning, a new life, the butterfly analogy. Thank you so much. But I am hesitant to go there because it is not beginning again, but continuing on. There is no starting over from where life got hard. There never is, for any situation. All we have are the memories, the strength gained, and the next steps to take. I do feel really good, tired at times. I am still having some issues with my tummy, though. I am really sick of my mouth feeling swollen and hurting. My hip hurts like the dickens. And I am still really good at whining!! My problem is with the new normal- moving out of what used to be and into the now of being a cancer patient in remission. So full of doctors and tests and blood work and rebuilding.

Rebuilding it is. I like it. My plumbing got a little old and needed repairing. Now it needs to have a little more pressure put on it to get it all working again. Not bad pressure, but pressure from my head and my heart to make conscientious decisions about what I do and eat. There is a purpose for it all.

Rebuilding after a death is hard work. I feel so badly for my friends because they loved their daddy. It will be hard figuring out what is next and how to move on. But like all of us have had to, they will and they will be the stronger and more loving and compassionate for it.

There is a huge purpose for you in my life, too. Thank you for cheering me on, for letting me cry, for making dinners, for sending cards, for being a facebook friend, for understanding when I can't remember, for double checking my work, for praying for me, for passing my request on to others, for letting me still serve and lead, for asking about and caring about my kids, for going with me to appointments, for listening, for letting me listen, but mostly for going with me on this journey. I don't think this journey has an ending, but I am almost there, to the point of feeling healthy and healed. But I've always felt loved and supported.

Love to you all,

Vicki

Hover Craft Alert

Hovering: the best way to meet someone. I loved it, Aron!

So, really how we get to know people is by continuing to hang out with them. With time, you learn a few things about them. And with even more time they will learn something about you.

Hovering: I picture the holy spirit hanging at just above head level, waiting for that moment to tell us what to say, to tell us when to expose ourselves- especially to those who do not have that relationship so many of us have with Jesus. Just above our heads, listening, waiting, prompting us to be transparent- not too much, not too little. Don't you hate it when we miss it- miss the right moment- miss that moment of hearing Him talk to us. Oh I do.

In case you haven't noticed, I've been ordered to be transparent. And you know what? It is so easy when you know you are supposed to do it. How many times have we heard that from others as well. People say all the time that the words just came out of their mouths, they had no idea what to say, or they can't even remember what they said. Well, add me to that list. I almost always remember what I write, but not always. A friend said 'spewing' out words- and I laughed because sometimes that is exactly what happens. I have no idea what I am going to write, and then BAM! there the words are. Certainly not my brain that works like that (stop saying Amen!:)

Listen, watch, learn and wait. Wait for the moment that God has prepared in advance for us to share with another. Wait and learn, but always be prepared to be transparent because in the end all we have to really show the love we have inside, the love that Jesus has shown us, is our own stories- chapter after chapter of love, acceptance, past sins, current forgiveness, constant forgiveness- one ultimate act of LOVE.

Thank you Lord, for loving me enough to forgive, to repair and to heal.

Vicki

Facebook

You know what is so funny is that God can even use facebook to further his children. Since starting on FB (thanks Barby and Amanda's and everyone who joined the same week) I have been able to catch up with high school friends. I have been able to say I am sorry to some dear friends, and they have been able to do the same. It has been a great tool for healing relationships. As much as we say it is an addiction, which- well- it has some good points, too. I think one of the things my crisis is teaching me is how to forgive, ask for forgiveness and to let go of some of the things I need to. And Beth Moore helped me to realize that remembering the past is part of what keeps us on our path now, and that remembering is ok- and remembering that some of it was really fun! One thing I have not been able to let go of is a relationship that really formed the foundation for the poor decisions I made later. But I have since been told that he has become a Christian. Now what do I do with that? I should have been able to forgive so long ago, but haven't, and now it seems so much easier because he has probably already looked at the way he treated people and has asked forgiveness. All of God's timing is perfect. Which means that this timing is perfect also. Waiting to see where it goes from here. Just so interesting.

So part of my journey involves learning to ask for and receive forgiveness. Nothing like having a lot of time to heal and get strong to flip thru the files of your life to figure out who you need to talk to.

God's timing is always perfect, no matter what the circumstance. It may be big or small. I think that we sometimes overlook the small things, don't see them as big learning experiences and we wait for the big learning journey. Perhaps if we leaned on him in the small things, remembered to pray about and rejoice in even those menial daily trials and successes....

So here's to facebook and all the different communities it brings together in my life. Awesome.

Here's to learning more and more and more.

Ultimatums

I am not sure how it happened. I really didn't realize that I did it. And only one person told me about it. I gave God an ultimatum. Wow. Thought I knew better than to do that. I told him what my sign would be, for healing and a cancer free life. Well, no-one has that sign now do they. So as I was driving to my appointment today we had a little talk. I apologized for demanding a certain sign from Him. I confessed how scared I am of recurrance and how I just don't ever want to do chemo again. I thanked Him for the peace and the strength He has given me so far. I also said that whatever happened today I would not push Him away. And I decided to focus on today only (except for the Beth Moore homework I have to do- all 5 days since I haven't been able to concentrate!) I know He listened and is in charge, not because my number was a bit lower, but because He is my God and is the only real control there is. Sure wish that meant I won't do it again, but those pits are just plain deep a week before my next test- yes, I've noticed the pattern! Just wait, we get to have a CT scan, too, before the next treatment and blood test. What fun.

So thank you to my dear friend who unknowingly helped me to see what I did. And thank you all for loving me in spite of the pits and the crazy talk at times. Feel free to call me out when necessary- especially if I am writing after 10:00 pm!

As for the CA 125 it is 27, down from 31. Feels more comfortable to me. I would still like to see below 20, but maybe below 20 means I don't rely on God as much- maybe it means I become too self sufficient again- maybe it means I take on too much. Who but God knows. So I trust He'll keep me where I need to be so He can continue to use me and my story about cancer and Him as He sees fit.

Have I mentioned that I love Jesus?

So does Polly. But she needs to stop jumping out of His hands. I think she is sassier than me!!

Love you all,

Vicki

Compassion

Not much delay time after that wonderful message, song, testimony by a teen. When did we, as a church, get so awesome? Today rocked- that's it. It rapped, talked, rocked, touched, danced, worshipped, turned my heart inside out to see the youth group, the children- Oh, what an all about others moment.

I am not sure who writes these announcements sometimes. I know I do the typing, but.... Like the last one, Polly. You would think the author would have been able to follow thru and actually pray in every moment of fear. But then yesterday came- I - I mean the author- was so tired, disconnected from her feelings, and went into a little pit. And those darn pits always lead me to look for information. Stupid, stupid, stupid. So this last round was looking at some different foods, and with that came a little paragraph saying 'It's a shame, but only 35% of women who get ovarian cancer survive" OH, shut up already. Now that was me looking at a diet plan. Constant reminders- constant communication filling me with doubt and fear. That devil is in every pit! And he got me again. Today was much better- especially during and after the service.

Compassionate community. That is what we are. And we have so many different communities in our lives. First is our family, the people in our house. The ones there to witness the good moments and the not so good ones. The people we love the most, yet sometimes treat the opposite. Then we have our extended families, our siblings and parents, cousins, aunt and uncles who are there for us. If we're lucky we live near them. I wish I did, but I am glad my children live near theirs. I miss cousins. Then we have our neighbors, school, work, and club friends that make up yet another community. The best friends community, in which we can share our deepest and darkest moments. Then our church community, including our home group, our bible study groups, our corporate groups, all of that and so much more. Some of us have different levels of commitment within these different communities, and that is ok. Just like we learned last week, we have different levels of friendships, and that is how God intended it.

I've been so blessed to be able to rely on all these groups to help us thru this cancer journey. Parents who stayed with me, friends who came with me to chemo, tons of excellent cooks, people who took my kids for playdates, people who I don't even know who were praying for me and my family. Then the communities surrounding my sisters and parents- a sister going thru a divorce whose friends and neighbors were there to help, a sister who lives way too far away, whose friends and home group helped so that she could come here to see me, my parents friends who keep them busy and lifted up. So many people, so many ways to reach out and love. So many ways to be blessed by others and in return to be a blessing.

The most important community we can have is that communion with God, where we let him in and allow ourselves to know and understand that he already knows and understand us. Love at its deepest level.

I cannot express what my heart feels for you all, for what you have physically, emotionally, prayerfully done for me and my family. And for my sisters friends who helped them along with their own journey of 'my sister has cancer' and with the divorce, and whatever else I am not aware of. Even though I may not know you I appreciate your willingness to love. And to my besties, umm... yeah.

'I have been blessed, now I want to be a blessing, I have been loved, now I want to give love, I've been invited, I want to share the invitation, I have been changed to bring change to bring change!!'

Polly