I've been staring at this blank page for about 10 minutes.
I went to the doctor on Tuesday with Tim and Dad. It was quite informative. I found out a bit more about that ugly blog than I needed to! Chris got a few phone calls about it. That was a bit shocking. I'm choosing to not be mad. But really, can't I just have terribly horrible reactions to terrible horrible news without freaking everyone out?
Something you should know: those feelings I had are the same feelings I have had several times. I was definitely more mad this time, but there was a wrench thrown at me. Sheesh. I'm not suicidal, and I'm not loosing my faith, and I'm not refusing treatment. I so hope that is not what you took from that. It really was sheer venting. It's serious venting I know. Hard to read and understand and know a friend is going thru that. I get it. But I should have thought that one thru (add it to the list) and not posted it.
Why the single agent Avastin makes me so happy is because of the possibility that it could work and I won't have to do chemo. Wednesday is my first treatment. I also know that the reality is that chemo will be a part of this... But I get a month or two off. The irony: 2 more months puts me closer to graduation, baseball.... so I'm not sure what's better. HA! Good things I sorta have a sense of humor right now. Avastin it is, don't want you confused!
Avastin is the medicine I was on during my first fight, the study drug I called it. It is known to stop the oxygen flow to ovarian cancer cells, so they can't live. It's not a guarantee of course, but it is certainly why I had a 2 year remission after the first fight. I am hopeful, even tho I said I wouldn't hope again. I feel it is a bit of hope wrapped up in a yucky infusion bag, causing tiredness, crazy mouth stuff and my super sexy crackly voice. However, hair stays, nausea very uncommon, and normal life possible. So now you know what it does inside of me.
So I am trusting God. I do know there is a plan. I do know there is much left to learn, part of which is probably how to handle bad news better!
Love to you all. Keep praying, specifically that the Avastin will work. We won't need any help as it isn't disabling at all. Thanks for understanding and knowing that I do want you to go thru this again with me, if you'd like.
Vicki
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
The Ugly Journal
Now I think you all understand why I have a journal called the Ugly journal. Some things just don't need to be shared. Partly because they are feelings based and feelings change suddenly and often.
Today a teenager got me motivated. Yep, one of those teenagers. He isn't mine, but he's pretty special. Simple words... you've done it before and you can do it again. And snap- that was it.
So, I wish I wouldn't have shared what should have been reserved for the ugly journal. I'm sorry for that. I have to admit that it really helped tho. Alone is not how I do life, and you all know that. Alone would be so unmotivating and unhealthy for my recovery-even the 4th recovery. And while I know I have said often that this could be the way the rest of my life is lived (and can be lived at length) that doesn't mean I was really ready for it. The timing is really bad. Senior in HS, a lovely exchange student, boys who are about to start baseball.... However, now is better than spring or summer that is for sure.
Onward we go. I'm getting ready.
Lots of love,
Vicki
Today a teenager got me motivated. Yep, one of those teenagers. He isn't mine, but he's pretty special. Simple words... you've done it before and you can do it again. And snap- that was it.
So, I wish I wouldn't have shared what should have been reserved for the ugly journal. I'm sorry for that. I have to admit that it really helped tho. Alone is not how I do life, and you all know that. Alone would be so unmotivating and unhealthy for my recovery-even the 4th recovery. And while I know I have said often that this could be the way the rest of my life is lived (and can be lived at length) that doesn't mean I was really ready for it. The timing is really bad. Senior in HS, a lovely exchange student, boys who are about to start baseball.... However, now is better than spring or summer that is for sure.
Onward we go. I'm getting ready.
Lots of love,
Vicki
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Adendum
That was about feelings that lie.... It's not how I'll choose to go thru this. It is just how I feel. I know better than to let myself go thru this alone, without you. I just want to cocoon. I want to be isolated. I want to be alone. But I know that's not healthy and not how I will walk in victory.
So, that's that.
So, that's that.
Just don't
As I told my daughter in the middle of a fight, 'feelings lie', I could feel my head spinning a bit out of control knowing that I was fighting feelings of my own at that very same time but I was not willing to let them become a lie.
I'm not sure I am even still.
It all started about a 3 weeks ago, when once again my CA 125 was elevated, but this time above normal- to 47. The plan was to repeat the blood work in 2 weeks, which I did. It came back at 49. Not bad I thought, considering that the last time it was in the 40's, the 2 week recheck brought with it a number above 100. When I talked with Chris she said she and Dr. Hicks had talked about my number and thought that if I was willing we could try just the Avastin for my treatment. Avastin is a medicine, not chemo. So I was thrilled and the weight of the world was no longer on my shoulders.
Then Friday came along. I spoke with the office again only to find out that they want me to do 2 chemo treatments, just as the others, and were trying to get it set up. My world crashed, it blew up, it came to a hault and I wanted it to end. The Avastin made me feel hopeful. Chemo does not. And every once of hope that I had before Friday morning disappeared. It hasn't been seen since.
I had so much hope when my number went down from 34-30 a while ago. I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe I really was a miracle, that God was choosing to use me as a living miracle. I don't usually allow myself such hopefulness, but I did that time. I really thought I was done with cancer.
Then Friday came along. Every once of hope, belief, faith I had rushed out of my body which quickly filled itself with anger and doubt, helplessness and hopelessness. That is a really bad way to feel. I haven't felt that in a very long time. I didn't even tell anyone until Saturday morning (except Tim) and I made it very clear that where I was dwelling was not good and that I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. That is not how I usually am.... And today, I skipped church. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even be well enough to come there to be sad and angry. I just didn't want to have to talk about me. I'm so sick of me. I'm so sick of cancer and chemo and pain and fatigue. I'm more than tired of telling my children I have to have chemo again. What does this do to them? I wish I knew.
I actually swore at the poor sweet woman who told me. She said not to let this get me-because I am always so full of hope. Another friend said that God must want to do so much more with me; that I inspire her and others. I simply said 'not right now- not this time'. As Friday continued so did my tears, anxiety, anger and bitterness. The tears are gone now, but not the rest. I am so mad. I am so scared. I am so confused.
To make matters worse, I heard a bit of a Joyce Meyer's lesson and she said something to the effect that when you are being tested by God, make sure you get it right so you don't have to be retested. Well, I've been doing what he told me to. I've been sharing and persevering.
I think this has been the biggest 'why' moment of my life. I don't think I've let myself even entertain such a stupid question all thru this journey. This time seems to be super special. I've never been this low, this empty of hope before. I'm not worried about dying right now- that isn't it at all. I'm hopeless because God had the chance to use me as a living miracle in December when He made the numbers go down. He had the miracle. I had the miracle. Why can't it just be mine? It's not like I don't tell others about what He has done for me and thru me. It's not like others haven't told me what God has done for them thru me. It's nonsense.
And there it is. This world makes no sense. This disease and so many others make no sense. Timing makes no sense. Nothing makes sense right now.
So just a warning to you. I am not who I was. I will be again, but I think God's gonna have me on some sort of journey besides cancer this time. I am cocooning into myself, my home. I don't want to leave. I don't think I'll be walking around bald this time. I am feeling no strength or sass to help me get thru. I don't want anyone to be with me when I have treatments. I don't want any help coming in. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to be noticed. In fact I am thinking I have to get new hats because I want to hide myself. I want to hide my story. I want to hide my weakness. I want to hide the looks I get from others. I don't want pity. I don't want help. I want the damn miracle.
I don't even want you to comment. There's nothing to be said. This time will be a different journey. You might want to run and hide.
I'm sorry if I made you cry. I'm sorry for a lot of things to come.....
Vicki
I'm not sure I am even still.
It all started about a 3 weeks ago, when once again my CA 125 was elevated, but this time above normal- to 47. The plan was to repeat the blood work in 2 weeks, which I did. It came back at 49. Not bad I thought, considering that the last time it was in the 40's, the 2 week recheck brought with it a number above 100. When I talked with Chris she said she and Dr. Hicks had talked about my number and thought that if I was willing we could try just the Avastin for my treatment. Avastin is a medicine, not chemo. So I was thrilled and the weight of the world was no longer on my shoulders.
Then Friday came along. I spoke with the office again only to find out that they want me to do 2 chemo treatments, just as the others, and were trying to get it set up. My world crashed, it blew up, it came to a hault and I wanted it to end. The Avastin made me feel hopeful. Chemo does not. And every once of hope that I had before Friday morning disappeared. It hasn't been seen since.
I had so much hope when my number went down from 34-30 a while ago. I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe I really was a miracle, that God was choosing to use me as a living miracle. I don't usually allow myself such hopefulness, but I did that time. I really thought I was done with cancer.
Then Friday came along. Every once of hope, belief, faith I had rushed out of my body which quickly filled itself with anger and doubt, helplessness and hopelessness. That is a really bad way to feel. I haven't felt that in a very long time. I didn't even tell anyone until Saturday morning (except Tim) and I made it very clear that where I was dwelling was not good and that I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. That is not how I usually am.... And today, I skipped church. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even be well enough to come there to be sad and angry. I just didn't want to have to talk about me. I'm so sick of me. I'm so sick of cancer and chemo and pain and fatigue. I'm more than tired of telling my children I have to have chemo again. What does this do to them? I wish I knew.
I actually swore at the poor sweet woman who told me. She said not to let this get me-because I am always so full of hope. Another friend said that God must want to do so much more with me; that I inspire her and others. I simply said 'not right now- not this time'. As Friday continued so did my tears, anxiety, anger and bitterness. The tears are gone now, but not the rest. I am so mad. I am so scared. I am so confused.
To make matters worse, I heard a bit of a Joyce Meyer's lesson and she said something to the effect that when you are being tested by God, make sure you get it right so you don't have to be retested. Well, I've been doing what he told me to. I've been sharing and persevering.
I think this has been the biggest 'why' moment of my life. I don't think I've let myself even entertain such a stupid question all thru this journey. This time seems to be super special. I've never been this low, this empty of hope before. I'm not worried about dying right now- that isn't it at all. I'm hopeless because God had the chance to use me as a living miracle in December when He made the numbers go down. He had the miracle. I had the miracle. Why can't it just be mine? It's not like I don't tell others about what He has done for me and thru me. It's not like others haven't told me what God has done for them thru me. It's nonsense.
And there it is. This world makes no sense. This disease and so many others make no sense. Timing makes no sense. Nothing makes sense right now.
So just a warning to you. I am not who I was. I will be again, but I think God's gonna have me on some sort of journey besides cancer this time. I am cocooning into myself, my home. I don't want to leave. I don't think I'll be walking around bald this time. I am feeling no strength or sass to help me get thru. I don't want anyone to be with me when I have treatments. I don't want any help coming in. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to be noticed. In fact I am thinking I have to get new hats because I want to hide myself. I want to hide my story. I want to hide my weakness. I want to hide the looks I get from others. I don't want pity. I don't want help. I want the damn miracle.
I don't even want you to comment. There's nothing to be said. This time will be a different journey. You might want to run and hide.
I'm sorry if I made you cry. I'm sorry for a lot of things to come.....
Vicki
Monday, December 17, 2012
Mosaics of Life
Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
A reminder for us that this life is going to bring us moments, seasons, perhaps lifetimes of hardships. But God tells us right here, before they even happen, before we were alive, that he will strengthen us, that He will hold us up with his mighty right hand.
I saw this verse afresh about 4 years ago when my niece Molly posted it on my LHH site. Having a then 25 year old, who KNEW what this verse meant in real life, 'give' it to me left me breathless and so proud of her for helping me, for getting into the mess with me.
I see these broken pieces of ceramic and I see the love and friendship that went into breaking them. Yes, love and friendship. They were broken last April, in the back of the church parking lot by me, and Angel, and Lucy. (Code names being used) Angel opened the back of her van and it was quite full of plates and bowls. We hesitated for a bit-kinda laughing because we were actually following thru on doing this, on breaking plates because I was breaking inside.
So, I went first, jumping up to give more power to the actual smashing throw of the plate. Then they went. And we took turns until all of our plates and bowls were broken.
One thing didn't change. I was still broken. They were still heart broken. So were you.
While I was undergoing treatment again, they were working on placing the pieces of the broken ceramics into frames. Several mosaics, words of meaning, signs of everlasting hope.
Broken is what our lives are about. It's just the things that break each one of us that are different. It's the timing that is different. It's the way we cope that is different. If we are to believe what God says here, then maybe the way we cope shouldn't be so different. Maybe if we didn't take so much time trying to figure out an answer and just submitted our hearts, our trust, our lives to the Great Hope; if we would just let Him hold us in His mighty right hand; maybe then coping would not be such a mystery.
Broken is how we get to God. Something broke us to get us to become believers, to become born again. I know what mine was, and it has nothing to do with sickness! In the dark and broken places, when we are alone with our thoughts and our open hearts, God performs the life saving surgery we need- salvation stitches holding us together.
Broken is the only way we can put the pieces back into some sort of frame that makes us feel whole again. What is kinda cool is that the brokenness can transform us into understanding and living a life full of things we never understood before. It makes us more aware, more understanding and perhaps more understood.
Life is supposed to break us. God is supposed to put us back together. Maybe he has a special art institute up in Heaven that displays all the mosaics of each of our lives. Then, when we finally get to meet him face to face, the mosaics disappear because we are truly whole.
Here's to our broken lives that lead us to the path of complete wholeness. Thank God we are not alone. We have each other and we have Him.
John 16:33
In this world you will have trouble, but be brave; I have defeated the world.
Much Love,
Vicki
Much Love,
Vicki
Sunday, November 18, 2012
It's so loud I can't see
I keep waiting for a mountain top to be seen in the horizon of my life. Waiting and waiting.... I am getting pretty good at waiting. It's not as nerve racking as it once was. Now it has become a time to do, get, be, go, do, do, do as much as possible before the waiting becomes the now.
Man, can I do...... I can do until I can't even sleep at night. I can do morning rush, morning clean up, back to bed, afternoon errand/clean fest, afternoon rush hours, dinner bell, and evening rush. I sit down around 9pm, tea, TV and drool down my mouth from finally resting. I realized I do not know how to do quiet, rest, peace. I think because I enjoy each 'do' so much (except cleaning) they don't feel like stress or pressure. They feel fun. And fun takes time. Time is always running out.
This morning I was thinking about my lack of time with God and my abundance of time keeping myself busy enough to not dwell on the near future. I am doing my part. I am doing things so outside of my box, so beyond myself that I know only God can be in charge of this. I am eating raw, vegetarian, no sugar or gluten, no corn or soy. NO SUGAR. M&Ms have sugar you know. But I am doing it. I am going for prayer at a friends house where 3 of us meet at around 8 to pray for me. FOR ME. That is so not who I am. And today I went up for prayer, because I just can't do this without God or without you.
This morning I was realizing I needed to get some scripture under my belt about trust and belief, healing and hope. Now don't get too upset. I have each of these- I know where they all come from. I just am having a little trouble believing the miracle that is waiting for me. It's hard to explain. So into church I come, already knowing what I wanted to do for the afternoon, what I would write about today. And then came the sermon. Then I opened my bulletin. And I smiled because who else but God could orchestrate the thoughts I was having to be completely lined up with the sermon AND an insert in the bulletin. Seriously, God is for me. That is exactly why I stood right up and went for prayer. Boldness in approaching God is just oozing out of me. I'm not afraid at all to walk up to the altar. I'm not afraid to tell you I'm stuck and need your prayer. I'm not afraid to tell God that I am not happy about this speed bump of a two week time period. And I am not afraid to WAIT until next Monday to get the results because I want a nice Thanksgiving.
I am thankful to people who have said God told them I would be ok thru this. I do wish I knew what ok meant, but in the end God wins. End of story. I am thankful to you who tell me you're praying for me because I believe you.
This week brings a day that will be full of sadness; the birthday of my sister in law Sweet Sue. It's the first birthday since she reached her mountain top. I miss her like crazy. I miss her for her sister and my husband. I miss her for my kids and for her kids. Today Andy talked about something Sue practiced: Scripture overwriting the negative script of our lives. That's our self talk... The negative stuff about what we look like, weigh, don't do perfectly.... She had a routine of sorts, speaking truth and life into her head and heart and soul thru scripture. I get it now. I understood it then-but now I get it.
I have done a few things right. I've asked. I've banged on the door for 4 years now begging for healing. I've gotten personal with God, even to the point of anger. I know he can handle that. Next is the scriptures. Next is writing a prayer using scripture and me, my circumstance, and the names of God that go with them. Those will be the next posts from me.
I know I've followed his lead in living this journey loud, out loud, to you. I know I've been obedient in that. At this time I am so LOUD about it that I can barely see! I don't know why I can't see when it's too loud, but I can't. I even got a bit lightheaded up front while being prayed for. Walking to the altar is a bold and loud move for me.
I learned that I am not as faithless as I thought. If faith is asking boldly of our Father, then I have faith. I have persistence wrapped up with a pretty bow!
Tomorrow a prayer for us. I hope you write one too.
So many thanks and so much love to you for praying me thru. That brings me peace and joy. I do so love who we all are together- partners in prayer and in life. Share your life. It's important and someone needs to hear it.
Still in awe,
Vicki
Man, can I do...... I can do until I can't even sleep at night. I can do morning rush, morning clean up, back to bed, afternoon errand/clean fest, afternoon rush hours, dinner bell, and evening rush. I sit down around 9pm, tea, TV and drool down my mouth from finally resting. I realized I do not know how to do quiet, rest, peace. I think because I enjoy each 'do' so much (except cleaning) they don't feel like stress or pressure. They feel fun. And fun takes time. Time is always running out.
This morning I was thinking about my lack of time with God and my abundance of time keeping myself busy enough to not dwell on the near future. I am doing my part. I am doing things so outside of my box, so beyond myself that I know only God can be in charge of this. I am eating raw, vegetarian, no sugar or gluten, no corn or soy. NO SUGAR. M&Ms have sugar you know. But I am doing it. I am going for prayer at a friends house where 3 of us meet at around 8 to pray for me. FOR ME. That is so not who I am. And today I went up for prayer, because I just can't do this without God or without you.
This morning I was realizing I needed to get some scripture under my belt about trust and belief, healing and hope. Now don't get too upset. I have each of these- I know where they all come from. I just am having a little trouble believing the miracle that is waiting for me. It's hard to explain. So into church I come, already knowing what I wanted to do for the afternoon, what I would write about today. And then came the sermon. Then I opened my bulletin. And I smiled because who else but God could orchestrate the thoughts I was having to be completely lined up with the sermon AND an insert in the bulletin. Seriously, God is for me. That is exactly why I stood right up and went for prayer. Boldness in approaching God is just oozing out of me. I'm not afraid at all to walk up to the altar. I'm not afraid to tell you I'm stuck and need your prayer. I'm not afraid to tell God that I am not happy about this speed bump of a two week time period. And I am not afraid to WAIT until next Monday to get the results because I want a nice Thanksgiving.
I am thankful to people who have said God told them I would be ok thru this. I do wish I knew what ok meant, but in the end God wins. End of story. I am thankful to you who tell me you're praying for me because I believe you.
This week brings a day that will be full of sadness; the birthday of my sister in law Sweet Sue. It's the first birthday since she reached her mountain top. I miss her like crazy. I miss her for her sister and my husband. I miss her for my kids and for her kids. Today Andy talked about something Sue practiced: Scripture overwriting the negative script of our lives. That's our self talk... The negative stuff about what we look like, weigh, don't do perfectly.... She had a routine of sorts, speaking truth and life into her head and heart and soul thru scripture. I get it now. I understood it then-but now I get it.
I have done a few things right. I've asked. I've banged on the door for 4 years now begging for healing. I've gotten personal with God, even to the point of anger. I know he can handle that. Next is the scriptures. Next is writing a prayer using scripture and me, my circumstance, and the names of God that go with them. Those will be the next posts from me.
I know I've followed his lead in living this journey loud, out loud, to you. I know I've been obedient in that. At this time I am so LOUD about it that I can barely see! I don't know why I can't see when it's too loud, but I can't. I even got a bit lightheaded up front while being prayed for. Walking to the altar is a bold and loud move for me.
I learned that I am not as faithless as I thought. If faith is asking boldly of our Father, then I have faith. I have persistence wrapped up with a pretty bow!
Tomorrow a prayer for us. I hope you write one too.
So many thanks and so much love to you for praying me thru. That brings me peace and joy. I do so love who we all are together- partners in prayer and in life. Share your life. It's important and someone needs to hear it.
Still in awe,
Vicki
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Mountains
Lately, as the mountains of this life keep blocking my passage to another land, I've been thinking about what the mountain really is.
Mountains, a constant part of our lives. I realize they are there to make us stronger in Christ, more reliant on Him and His grace and comfort and joy. I realize, believe, and preach that often. Mountains since a teenager. Tough life since it was my own to choose.
Mountains are complicated. Some start as a small mound, but thru discussion with others, our brains that can blow up the smallest of facts, thru time and ignorance we grow that mound into a mountain on our own. I have way too many of those. Accepting and understanding that is not very easy as we grow up and realize what we have done to ourselves. For example, that first boyfriend that was controlling and abusive. I chose to not leave. I also chose to end it once I got it all figured out. The price of that relationship being the starting point for many other mound mountains that I was fully responsible for creating. Do you have any of those? That mountain, however, was also the springboard for my meeting God, for him catching me and changing me and equipping me with the perseverance and strength, the stubborn, heals in the ground, you are not going to make me do anything I don't want to or that isn't of God bullheadedness. Maybe BOLDheadedness is better. I don't bully, but I'll be bold whenever necessary. God made me strong and courageous so that I wouldn't have to be terrified again.
Mountains are HUGE. Some mountains are dropped in your lap in an instant, or grow steadily as time continues because we didn't see or deal with it as a mound. Of course the most significant mountain of this type for me is cancer. It is not the only one though. And herein lies the problem....
Cancer is not the actual mountain.
I have been thinking about this for weeks. Cancer, diabetes, Celiac, heart disease, ADHD, bersitis, fibromyalsia, autism, infertility, alcoholism...... those are earthly, worldly problems brought to us because we are human. They have nothing to do with faith. They have nothing to do with no faith. They just are a part of life.
The mountain is our response to our life. As Christians our mountains are to remain faithful, trusting, loving, kind, forgiving, gentle, peaceful, joyful and patient. Our mountain is showing our fruits, the fruits that have been being ripened and harvested for this moment, for such a time as this. Our mountain is our attitude about our afflictions, how we live with them behind closed doors and how we live it in front of others. And I do believe we are to live our lives in front of others. If we don't, how can anyone tell that we are different? If we don't live out loud, share our heartache and pain, share our strength and it's source, how will anyone know that it is not our humanness helping us, but our ability to lay down in front of the Lord and have him carry us. How will even other Christians be able to tell that you have a burden you need to be sharing with us, so we can help comfort you, so we can walk with you thru it, if you aren't showing us? If you don't live out loud you are not allowing God to be seen in your life- to believers or non believers. If God carries us thru the mountain we should be sharing that with others, walking besides those who have the same affliction. Speak up! It's not like we don't know you have issues! EVERYONE has some. Now, live out loud to everyone in the whole world? Nah. But to a group you trust? YES. It is imperative to healing.
This life is hard, dare I say sucks. It is hard, hurtful, depressing, stressful and full of pain. This life is wonderful, dare I say awesome. It is full of friendships and love, families, babies, pets, churches and ministries. Life is to be lived, regardless of our circumstances. Living is the continual mountain we have to climb, navigating the problems whether large or small at every mile. All we need to is have the faith of a mustard seed, to ask God to come, and He will grant us the grace we need to continue our lifelong uphill walk. At the top, we meet Him, where our problems end, our mountain hike stops and the pearly gates await.
Grab those hiking boots, grab a few friends, and lets continue routing for each other at each mile. The reward is that crown of glory. I imagine the gems in our crown are earned for each life problem we conquer or continually live with. Each gem hand picked by our loving Jesus because we choose to climb the mountain, to change our hearts, and to put on His attitude and character instead of how the world tells us to behave.
According to the world, I should be mad, mean, depressed and crawl into a hole. But that doesn't do good for anyone. I'd rather stay involved in life, raise awareness, make new friends, walk with others, speak my mind, love and learn how to do that all better. I love telling my Polly Pocket story to others who have no belief system because it is centered around God's palm. How much closer can you get to Him than that? I'm not crumbling to pieces, altho I've lost a few along the way. I'm not constantly thinking about the possibility of the cancer coming back, altho I have many moments of that fear. I am not afraid of chemo anymore, altho I'm gonna be MAD if I have to do it again. But not mad at God. He's innocent here. So am I. It's just life. An equally unfair to all people moment in time. I choose to live it. And I choose to live it loud. (I actually can hear you laugh) This shy girl gone LOUD. Only God.
Much love,
Vicki
Mountains, a constant part of our lives. I realize they are there to make us stronger in Christ, more reliant on Him and His grace and comfort and joy. I realize, believe, and preach that often. Mountains since a teenager. Tough life since it was my own to choose.
Mountains are complicated. Some start as a small mound, but thru discussion with others, our brains that can blow up the smallest of facts, thru time and ignorance we grow that mound into a mountain on our own. I have way too many of those. Accepting and understanding that is not very easy as we grow up and realize what we have done to ourselves. For example, that first boyfriend that was controlling and abusive. I chose to not leave. I also chose to end it once I got it all figured out. The price of that relationship being the starting point for many other mound mountains that I was fully responsible for creating. Do you have any of those? That mountain, however, was also the springboard for my meeting God, for him catching me and changing me and equipping me with the perseverance and strength, the stubborn, heals in the ground, you are not going to make me do anything I don't want to or that isn't of God bullheadedness. Maybe BOLDheadedness is better. I don't bully, but I'll be bold whenever necessary. God made me strong and courageous so that I wouldn't have to be terrified again.
Mountains are HUGE. Some mountains are dropped in your lap in an instant, or grow steadily as time continues because we didn't see or deal with it as a mound. Of course the most significant mountain of this type for me is cancer. It is not the only one though. And herein lies the problem....
Cancer is not the actual mountain.
I have been thinking about this for weeks. Cancer, diabetes, Celiac, heart disease, ADHD, bersitis, fibromyalsia, autism, infertility, alcoholism...... those are earthly, worldly problems brought to us because we are human. They have nothing to do with faith. They have nothing to do with no faith. They just are a part of life.
The mountain is our response to our life. As Christians our mountains are to remain faithful, trusting, loving, kind, forgiving, gentle, peaceful, joyful and patient. Our mountain is showing our fruits, the fruits that have been being ripened and harvested for this moment, for such a time as this. Our mountain is our attitude about our afflictions, how we live with them behind closed doors and how we live it in front of others. And I do believe we are to live our lives in front of others. If we don't, how can anyone tell that we are different? If we don't live out loud, share our heartache and pain, share our strength and it's source, how will anyone know that it is not our humanness helping us, but our ability to lay down in front of the Lord and have him carry us. How will even other Christians be able to tell that you have a burden you need to be sharing with us, so we can help comfort you, so we can walk with you thru it, if you aren't showing us? If you don't live out loud you are not allowing God to be seen in your life- to believers or non believers. If God carries us thru the mountain we should be sharing that with others, walking besides those who have the same affliction. Speak up! It's not like we don't know you have issues! EVERYONE has some. Now, live out loud to everyone in the whole world? Nah. But to a group you trust? YES. It is imperative to healing.
This life is hard, dare I say sucks. It is hard, hurtful, depressing, stressful and full of pain. This life is wonderful, dare I say awesome. It is full of friendships and love, families, babies, pets, churches and ministries. Life is to be lived, regardless of our circumstances. Living is the continual mountain we have to climb, navigating the problems whether large or small at every mile. All we need to is have the faith of a mustard seed, to ask God to come, and He will grant us the grace we need to continue our lifelong uphill walk. At the top, we meet Him, where our problems end, our mountain hike stops and the pearly gates await.
Grab those hiking boots, grab a few friends, and lets continue routing for each other at each mile. The reward is that crown of glory. I imagine the gems in our crown are earned for each life problem we conquer or continually live with. Each gem hand picked by our loving Jesus because we choose to climb the mountain, to change our hearts, and to put on His attitude and character instead of how the world tells us to behave.
According to the world, I should be mad, mean, depressed and crawl into a hole. But that doesn't do good for anyone. I'd rather stay involved in life, raise awareness, make new friends, walk with others, speak my mind, love and learn how to do that all better. I love telling my Polly Pocket story to others who have no belief system because it is centered around God's palm. How much closer can you get to Him than that? I'm not crumbling to pieces, altho I've lost a few along the way. I'm not constantly thinking about the possibility of the cancer coming back, altho I have many moments of that fear. I am not afraid of chemo anymore, altho I'm gonna be MAD if I have to do it again. But not mad at God. He's innocent here. So am I. It's just life. An equally unfair to all people moment in time. I choose to live it. And I choose to live it loud. (I actually can hear you laugh) This shy girl gone LOUD. Only God.
Much love,
Vicki
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