Counts

I found out my counts today. My white cell count is at 4.0, which is higher than the day I had chemo. Not sure what it means, but I'm not sick so it must mean something good. And the other count called neutrophil is 2.7 or so, which is also super good. To put it into perspective I am usually at around 3.0 for white cells and 1.9 or so for neutrophil. And on the day of chemo white cells were 2.9 and neutrophil was 1.7. Amazing? Divine is probably more like it. Wouldn't it be something if my CA125 was ZERO the next time I test for it.... HMM.

On a totally different note: When you see people who are obviously struck with cancer (the hat/scarf and no hair is always a give away) please talk to them like they are normal people. It makes my shopping trip so nice when someone just says something about clothes, or the food or the sale or anything- even if it is about our health. I would guess that most people would be not only receptive but so appreciative to feel normal for a moment. At Kohls today (I had so much fun) someone asked me if I knew of any place that had decent dresses and we just talked a bit about this new style we have to wear now.... Then the girl who rang me up told me about her neighbor who after 11 years cancer free (Breast) she just found out she has ovarian cancer. So we talked a bit. After I got back to my car I remembered I had a OC ribbon on my hat. So I went back in to give it to her for her neighbor. Remember to reach out because we are all suffering in one way or another. Go and LOVE!!

Love to you all,

Vicki

A new day

Thanks for letting me vent and whine. When I think about it I really am getting off pretty easy with this stuff. Last night I was thinking how strongly I feel that I am supposed to talk about this- the good, the bad and the ugly. I've been trying to be honest here on this page and with people with the good and the bad, but the ugly is really staying put in my head or written in a journal. I feel very strongly that God wants me recording all this, somehow for some reason that I am sure involves stretching! Oh man, not that!! But ovarian cancer is so quiet and sneaky and evil. Maybe a cancer survivor/fighter group or something- I don't know. We certainly have enough people at MCC who have fought this battle...

Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about- writing it all out- but of course having some humor to go along with it, right?? The ugly stays put for now because it is full of worry and future and all things uncontrollable. I think about our 'thrones' Andy was talking about and I realized that many years ago I got pushed off my 'self absorbed' throne, and then off of my 'perfect working mother who can do anything' throne (that one hurt) and now the 'I'm in control of this body' NOT! When God wants you off a throne he really pushes hard. I have no control over this- all I can do is take my chemo, pray, rest, and hope my CA125 continues to go down and my white counts stay up a little. I can't control anything- baldness, eyebrows (although a friend is coming this week to teach me) eyelashes, all those things that make us pretty. My kids are used to seeing me bald and when I have the wig on they stop and stare. How funny is that?? I suppose all I can control is my attitude, which is usually great, and what we do with all this as a family and continually adjust ourselves to it. It just nicer to be able to adjust things to meet our needs, not the other way around.

Today is a new day. I see a ray of sunshine. Kids are going to youth group and life is normal. Soon I'll shower and that will make all things better:)

Love to you all,

Vicki

I'm alright

Well, it's Tuesday and I've been feeling pretty much ok. I did get quite tired on Sunday which is why we left church so quickly. Have you ever gotten anxious because things are going better than anticipated?? I do know the chemo is still working since my eyebrows are now gone, which I assume means my eye lashes will be next. Silly as it sounds that will bother me because I have really great eyelashes. But I'll see them again soon.

So this treatment I brought a craft, it is actually for all of you guys who have been helping me. My hope was to engage my 'neighbor' in the activity but she was so nauseous she couldn't even move. I felt so badly for her. But before my chemo a different woman sat next to me, Joyce. And you know how you know people are Christians.... we started a conversation, she saw my Jesus Juice sign for my chemo. I found out she is a 1.5 year ovarian cancer survivor, but her numbers are creeping back up so they put her on Avastin, the study drug we hope I am on. She prayed over her blood and then she joined hands with me and Tim and prayed for us- quite obviously a prayer warrior. It was a great 10 minutes. But could you add her to your list, please. Ovarian cancer is known, unfortunately, for it's reccurance which scares the crap out of me. But knowing that Avastin is at least a next step helps me to remain calm. I learned on Friday that the voice change that's been happening is a specific side effect of Avastin, so let's keep praying about that,

too.

So only 2 more chemo's and then quite a few 'Avastin' treatments, but at least they are only a half hour now. I'm sure my anxiety will decrease as the week moves on, but I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of hot flashes that wake me 6-7 times a night, I'm tired of the stares at stores and simply tired of being tired I guess. But I'm always a little more down the first few days after treatment. I am so thankful for my parents who can come and stay with me, for people who feed us during this week, for Miralax (gotta throw in one funny) and for the prayers, emails and visits- I do like reconnecting. It's weird not knowing what is going on with everyone else- Add that to my list of whining.

But praise God I am feeling good even if I shouldn't be. Praise God that I seem to be getting Avastin, Praise God for the people I have met along the way. And please be sure to pass on 'My Story' to your friends, as Ovarian cancer is so silent and quite the menace. It's on the resource page.

Sorry about whining, sometimes it's just what I need to do before coming back into the real world. I'm ok but I also want to be truthful and real about the whole journey. I don't want to look thru my scrapbook about it one day and call myself a liar. I just really miss being with people! I can't seem to concentrate on much of my bible study, but I guess slow is better than nothing. I decided that Philippians is where I'll start. I can handle 4 chapters!! I've even read thru it a couple times. Better head there again today.

Love to you all.

Vicki

Good News

Today was full of good news. It just wasn't worth the lack of sleep I got last night. So, here it is: I am good for chemo tomorrow, my CA125 was down to 20 (26 last time), my CT scan was good, just saw my kidney stones that I already know about, and IT IS NOT GENETIC. And now I start crying because I am so relieved. I won't have to make any hard decisions about radical mastectomy's or worrying about any of my children getting the gene mutation. And probably my sisters don't have to worry, either, but we're checking into that a bit more. So I am going to pick up Jayson at school, he wants to walk home (I hope I can make it to and from) and I am going to turn up my iPod praise music so loud people in their cars will hear it. Thank you for the continued prayer and support!! I'll update again next week when I start to recuperate. Chemo tomorrow at 10:00 for another 6 hours, but you know I'm renaming it Jesus Juice (thanks Holly) and writing it on the bags of medicine.

(And for reply's could you do it on the site, please. I am going to keep a copy of my well wishes and don't want to miss any when this is all over!!)

Love you much,

Vicki

Just a Note

It's been a pretty good week so far. I've noticed that I am way more tired than usual. This last chemo brought less nausea but much more fatigue. But, my counts aren't horrible, although I was told to be careful about being around others, hence no church. I did cheat a bit yesterday though to go to a 5 year old birthday party- who can resist that?? So fun was had gosh darn it!

I had a friend who is a breast cancer survivor give me a bunch of her hats and they are pretty darn cute. More for the cold weather.

But it's always exciting to get new hats.

I got caught up on Abbi's scrapbook- no small feat I might add. So this week I'll be choosing pictures for both of the boys and start cutting them so I'll be ready to scrap once I recover from the next chemo. Now, my white cell count was ok but the other one they watch called neutraphil count was getting low, so I'm going to try eating some foods that may help. I'll know on Thursday if I can have my chemo on Friday or if it will have to be postponed. We'll see. I'll know on Thursday when I see the NP, find out my new CA125 number, and I think find out about the genetic testing. Kind of a big Thursday.

My CT on Friday went well. I didn't have the usual, extremely unpleasant side effect I usually have- I'll keep the gory details to myself, but some of you know what it is. So I guess I won't be quite as apprehensive next time. Results from that also on Thursday. Man, what a day.

Kids are still good and enjoying school and Tim and I seem to be keeping up with what's due when. They are really keeping on top of things quite well.

Ok then, this tired girl is going to bed. Good night to you all, and thank you again for all your prayers and support. I didn't get to hear this yesterday, but Darcy said that I was fighting cancer and winning. It feels good to hear it, a bit hard to believe at times because you just can never know. So I'm glad you're all around to remind me- healing is just a few treatments away.

Love to you all.

Vick

Love

We learned so much in church today- just love one another as God loves us. Seems so simple but our very lives make it so difficult. We regret not making time to see people we really want to see. We forget to take care of our bodies. We rush from one event to another hoping the traffic lights will be on our side, and when they are we actually thank God for that. (Been there done that) Life has a way of making us slow down, though. Today I learned that spending time in His word will help me to hear God speak to me. That is what I 'crave'. I have heard him before- twice. The first was in choosing to go back to school to get my teaching degree, the second was to marry Tim. Both very important decisions that I was glad I didn't have to make by myself. I am somewhat bummed that Beth Moore can't be the one to help me hear Him though. At least she makes us look for our answers and apply them to our own lives!! I did just start using my Discovery Bible since I knew I'd be missing out on my beloved ladies bible study. (I miss you guys) And although the questions aren't too strenuous they do make you think- and think about the part of the bible you just read. I really like it. I want Jesus flowing thru my veins. What an image. Thru my veins, to my cancer and I'd like him to just hang out there a while until he heals me. I want him to be in my head to calm my anxiety over the possibility that my ovarian cancer is genetic. If it is there are a whole bunch of serious decisions to be made. (No, I don't actually want to talk about it until I know there is something to talk about) So I guess that is what I'll study tonight, 'Be anxious for nothing but in bring everything to prayer and supplication' so that Jesus will be right there, in my head.

Mike could have filled a whole day talking about examples of love, though, so I add my own. In my moment of solitude I have a church who is feeding us, praying for us and loving on us in whatever way they can. The cards, the emails, the posts on this site, the Acia berry smoothies from Caribou (hint)... Each one a reminder that there are people helping me even though I have to spend these moments resting and fighting alone. Not lonely, just alone. And that these people represent what Jesus is: LOVE

You all bring tears to my eyes,

I love you,

Vicki

Half way there

Well, we are half way done now. That feels good. Down hill is always easier. I met a woman who was sitting with a relative of hers and she is a Christian. No deep discussion but we talked about our kids downloading music and listening to the words and all that older kid stuff. Our daughters have a lot in common- messy rooms and such. Kinda fun. The disappointing news I did get was that my next chemo could be postponed one more time-it's because of the study I am in and they have to follow that protocol instead of their usual protocol. As I understand it, if my counts are down right before the next treatment they will give me the shot that will help bring them up and then I'll have to wait another week. Now that might change, but that is how I understood it (emphasis on my trying to understand medical stuff) So meal providers be ready for yet another change. Sorry about that. I suppose that is also a specific prayer request as well. I have my Boost and Holly lent me a cookbook so I think I'll make some more of the 'low counts' recipes. The broccoli and cheese soup was good. Thankfully I can handle that smell after about a week of my chemo's.

School is going great for the kids so far. Jayson just loves Kindergarten and Abbi and Austin are enjoying Middle School. He has his first test on Monday. He and Tim are going to see Al Kaline (baseball great) at one of the dealerships in town. Should be a little fun for them I think.

Over and out for now, and for the net couple days. Not sure if I'll see you tomorrow at church or not, but my parents are going to bring the kids.

Love to you all. Thanks for your support and love.

Vicki and family